Designing An FLR

What makes relationships great?

A relationship where all involved are connected, stimulated, interested, growing and having needs and wants met is the ideal. Great relationships consist of making a commitment, active forgiveness for offenses, keeping a short memory of wrongs, framing how much active participation each want in the other’s lives, maintaining open communication and love. Love is that word that is defined in so many ways, it is a verb, and adverb, and adjective, and cognitive and a noun, so cut love some slack and agree that love is both how we feel and what we do with our feelings. Most people don’t make the effort to design a relationship; it might seem awkward to speak openly of the details of what we want. But good relationships rise above because they HAVE taken the effort to tell their partner their expectations and great relationships exist when both are better together then they are apart.

You need a strategy

     I charge for this advice in the work place but I’ll give it to you for free. If you are a manager you may have designed a strategy. Strategies are not goals but a direction to go in. Strategies include short term measurable goals, what you want to achieve and how you intend to do achieve those goals. Strategies are implemented by a plan. That plan has three parts: Part 1 addresses the things you want to accomplish and the milestones and dependencies. Part 2 addresses your weakness in accomplishing those goals. Part 3 address communication about issues and progress. That is business like and not very relationship like but you can begin to see the advantages of not leaving things to the fates.

     You don’t need a big strategy, what you want is your relationship to grow towards ideal. That means you need to look at where you are and where ideal is and measure the differences. Planners call those differences “deltas”. Here are some examples:

• Our ideal is a high level of intimacy which includes focus time together, conversation without distractions and just being together.
• We want a female led relationship where she is confident and feels validates and he feels his needs are being met by following and serving her.

Your noticeable deltas are:

1. She is not yet leading.
2. She needs more confidence.
3. He is not yet serving and is not a very good follower.
4. You are currently not spending much focus time, conversations are distracted, and being together is not a measurable goal.

So you create a plan to get from where you are today to that ideal relationship. The very act of planning together, writing things down, and talking is moving the process forward and accomplishing focus time.

You are creating a life strategy and an FLR agreement at the same time

1. Start your relationship strategy by affirming your ideals

     This process will give hope and bring you both closer together as you discover each other. Take time to list the elements of a relationship that make it ideal for you. Then, answer the questions about what makes it ideal for you or how to make it ideal for you. Here are some ideas” Remember these can be for both, him or her. (Choose what applies to your relationship or make up your own):

• Our ideal relationship includes a lifetime of learning.
• Our ideal relationship includes a vital career.
• Our ideal relationship includes balanced living.
• Our ideal relationship includes chemistry.
• Our ideal relationship includes children.
• Our ideal relationship includes common friends.
• Our ideal relationship includes companionship.
• Our ideal relationship includes confident decision making.
• Our ideal relationship includes dignity.
• Our ideal relationship includes environmental consciousness.
• Our ideal relationship includes female leadership.
• Our ideal relationship includes fidelity.
• Our ideal relationship includes forgiveness.
• Our ideal relationship includes good family relationships.
• Our ideal relationship includes intimacy.
• Our ideal relationship includes one leader.
• Our ideal relationship includes personal space/privacy.
• Our ideal relationship includes physical attraction.
• Our ideal relationship includes physical fitness.
• Our ideal relationship includes political consciousness.
• Our ideal relationship includes regular and open communication.
• Our ideal relationship includes religious beliefs and practices.
• Our ideal relationship includes sense of humor and having fun.
• Our ideal relationship includes separate interests.
• Our ideal relationship includes shared and democratic leadership.
• Our ideal relationship includes shared interests.
• Our ideal relationship includes shared leadership.
• Our ideal relationship includes social consciousness/awareness/respect.
• Our ideal relationship includes stable financial environment.
• Our ideal relationship includes time together.
• Our ideal relationship includes trust in decision-making.
• Our ideal relationship includes trying new things/experimentation.
• Our ideal relationship includes vital sex life.
• An ideal relationship does not include deception.
• An ideal relationship does not include high stress.
• An ideal relationship does not include high drama.

2. Decide how these apply to each of you or both equally

     Depending on how you are making decisions as a couple and what level of commitment you have to FLR, your application may vary. Here are some examples: If you are in level 1, and want shared leadership, you might decide you will make all decisions together, and not make any decision you both do not agree on. In level 2, you might agree finances will be handled by the woman leader and only decisions over a certain amount will be voted on. You may decide that she has a veto on his spending for more than a certain amount. In level 3, you will likely give full control of the 5 food groups to the female leader. You may limit her and she will make most of the decisions for your relationship (she will likely have you participate as a cherished advisor). In level 4, she will decide. Everything is under her to control.

     Think about it. In level 1, she is not making many decisions for the couple on her own, decisions are made with his approval. She cannot choose for him or lead him closer to her agenda without negotiation. In level 2, she is applying leadership, management and limited control and makes limited decisions in certain areas for him. She might choose to give him an allowance and control all money. She might ask him to exercise 1 hour, twice a day. In level 3. she is leading like a CEO. She acts on her agenda, home and choices for the couple; with full management and control. She can make decisions freely in the framework of her agreement like delegating responsibilities, removing freedoms, doling out punishment, and controling anything in her scope.

     In level 4, the woman is absolute dictator. It is simple to understand the kind of power he has given her. She will choose for him anything she wants. She can have other lovers and demand him to have fidelity to her. He might never climax again. She can change his sexuality to gay, make him a Mormon or a clown, or command he eat only cabbage. I suppose loving mates desiring full control will take this seriously.

3. Check where you are today and measure the difference.

     Suppose you decide to engage in a lifetime of learning and have a stable economic situation and want to improve both her and his education level. She has a bachelors and he did not finish college. The goal for her is a Masters and for him is a Bachelors. He needs 4-5 years in college full-time, or 10 years part-time and at she needs least 2 years in college full-time. There is a cost involved so it must be in your budget or you will need a loan. It will take time away from other activities. So you decide she will return to school for an executive MBA and he will take on all the homemaking to make time for her to study and read. He needs to learn to clean as she would so you decide he needs training and feedback until she feels he is going to be successful. The measurable goals are the milestones themselves:

1. When he masters homemaking to her satisfaction.
2. When she enters school.
3. When she graduates school with an MBA.
4. When he serves her by helping her during her studies.
5. When he returns to school, etc.

4. Check where you are weak and plan to fix it.

     Good managers and leaders surround themselves with talented useful people who fill the gaps and take on tasks the manager does not want to do or is not good at. This is management 101. Let’s say you are committed to level 2-4 FLR and decide you want to increase your intimacy (which in this case you decide means: better sex life, no masturbation for him, more time pampering her while you both talk, he will give body rubs, foot massage and oral sex to her four times a week after she is done studying) and she will create an environment where he no longer masturbates or looks at porn. You are far away from your goal because you don’t have much intimacy now and he often does both things.

     She needs to control his free time and sex. She does not feel she can supervise him full-time, nor control his masturbation, so the plan includes her getting help. She adopts a chastity device for him which she asks him to buy, and they buy net nanny to block porn sites on his computer. Four days a week, he is to discuss with her any temptations and failures he may have had. She has agreed to give him open feedback about the pampering to help him get better and although she does not want to punish him per se, she is willing to reward him once a week with love-making together, if he has no failures and is giving his best to his part of their agreement.

     A “level 1” approach to the same goals of increased intimacy and eliminating masturbation and internet porn; might be to commit herself to sex every night with him where she is more aggressive and they both agree not a day will pass without him climaxing. This will decrease his arousal rate which drives him to look at porn. They both agree to net nanny and she will ask him after sex about temptations – they can both deal with this when it happens.

• There is training for many of your relationship goals especially leadership.
• There is some technology available that will fix some issues.
• You may find another couple/person interested in FLR and get their help (community).
• You may turn to a trusted friend for help (friends and family).
• You may hire professional help (consultant).

5. Decide what how you are going to handle conflict

     Conflict may arise, some relationships don’t have conflict because of the high communication level or temperament of the couple. You can expect conflict in most relationships so deciding how to handle it is a good idea. There are a couple kinds of conflict to consider. such as:

• Communication issues like: “you should have told me”, “you should have asked me”, “you need my permission”, “that is not what we agreed to.”
• Contradictory agendas and competing interests: “I want it like that and she does not”, “I want to do something and he does not”.
• Breach of agreements: “you were supposed to do”, “you agreed not to”, “why haven’t you done. “
• Ticks, bugs and boners: “I hate it when you”, “why can’t you pick up your socks”, “can’t you at-least.”

     Of course all these are about expectations – anytime you say should, would, have to, must, can’t and why; you can put a quarter in the victim’s jar because there is an unspoken, un-met, unknown expectation. Conflict resolution is one of the things you can learn in business school. Create a plan to deal with conflict, decide what to do when something happens, how it will be resolved, what to do when you must escalate, and what to do if it goes unresolved.

     In level 1 FLR, a more detailed plan is needed than is in levels 2-4 FLR. The reason for the more detailed plan is the governance of the relationship is democratic. Level 2, while still democratic, also has defined authority over 1 or more of the 5 food groups and a plan/consequence for non-performance. In level 3, FLR the female has control of all 5 food groups and a plan/consequence for non-performance. In level 4 she is a dictator.

     Here are some ways to deal with conflict, discipline or punishment.

• Level 1-2 FLR
  • Create a regular time for making changes to your relationship strategy.
  • Create a plan that has formal escalation – what to do if you cannot agree.
  • Stage 1 is a conversation to see if you can work it out without assistance.
  • Stage 2 requires negotiation and a formal resolution document.
  • resolution document included remediation (a penalty for non-performance).
  • Stage 3 you escalate to a third party you both agree on to decide for you or help you resolve.
  • Stage 0 you cannot agree, there is no resolution.
  • Document the issue and see if you can make improvements to communication next time.
• Level 2-3 FLR
  • Create a regular time for making changes to your relationship strategy and FLR agreement.
  • There is no escalation plan – refer to the non-performance paragraph in your FLR agreement.
  • If this situation is not covered in your non-performance agreement – add it.
  • Administer the consequence for non-performance.
  • Document the issue and see if you can make improvements to communication next time.
• Level 4 FLR
  • Create a regular time for making changes to your relationship strategy and FLR agreement.
  • She will decide what to do.

6. Answer the question – how far do I want to go with FLR?

     By now you have lots of information and it remains for her to decide what level of commitment she will have to FLR if any. If there is much do, many of deltas, and much time will pass correcting the deltas, you might consider the advantages or level 2-4 where one person can speed up the process by enacting change. If you choose level 1, you are committing yourself to working together and toughing it out with the both of you tackling issues where you are willing – many things will remain unresolved. If you decide on level 1, you need go no further reading this page, if you decide on level 2-4 then you will need a few more elements for your FLR design.

If you are committed to level 2 as a starting point

• Delegate which food group is led, which shared, and how the leader will be limited.
• Decide how you are going maintain and grow your relationship.
• If you own a food group share your plan/agenda (might be short-term or long-term).
• Create a non-performance agreement.
• Create a time table – include a time for experiments, training, adjustment and normalization.
  • plan for experiments to help you fix the bugs in the beginning, your relationship strategy may not change but your agreement might.
  • plan for training him to do whatever it is he is going to do, this may mean purchases or having a third party help. She too may want some training to help her lead or to deal with his desires.
  • plan a period of adjustment/transition where the food group leader is monitoring closely and making corrections as needed.
  • plan a time table for normalization, when you think you can finish the transition to FLR.

If you are committed to level 3 as a starting point

• She gets all the food groups.
• Decide on what limits you want for the leader if any (example: both must decide over x dollar amount).
• Decide how you are going maintain and grow your relationship.
• Create a non-performance agreement.
• She must publish her agenda.
• He must formally acknowledge her as his leader.
• Create a time table – include a time for experiments, training, adjustment and normalization.
  • plan for experiments to help you fix the bugs in the beginning, your relationship strategy may not change but your agreement might.
  • plan for training him to do whatever it is he is going to do, this may mean purchases or having a third party help. She too may want some training to help her lead or to deal with his desires.
  • plan a period of adjustment/transition where the food group leader is monitoring closely and making corrections as needed.
  • plan a time table for normalization, when you think you can finish the transition to FLR.

If you are committed to level 4 as a starting point

• She gets all the food groups and anything else she wants.
• She has no limits unless she decides to have them.
• She decides how the relationship will grow and be maintained.
• She decides about non-performance.
• She may publish her agenda.
• He must formally surrender to her.
• Create a time table – include a time for experiments, training, adjustment and normalization.
  • plan for experiments to help you fix the bugs in the beginning.
  • plan for training him to do whatever it is he is going to do.
  • plan a period of adjustment/transition.
  • plan a time table for normalization.