Retraining, reprogramming, growing your FLR man with a new self image

Jump to: navigation, search

"These articles tackle the tough issues facing couples in female led relationships"
-- Information, Advice, Humor, Opinion
These are just some of the people looking for relationships on this site

Join Introductions Today - it is Free!

Make new friends, meet people, join for free, get verified for as little as $2. Men are required to go through a short course teaching them new skills. They will earn 60 reputation points to show women they are serious about FLR. This is a very good program for people to meet and greet.

Retraining, reprogramming, growing your FLR man with a new self image

· This article (203) is rated ♦♦♦♦♦ ''5 diamond'' by our members and readers
· This article was written by men and women
· This article was last updated January 2011

Retraining, reprogramming, growing your FLR man with a new self image

First, we will keep this essay as simple as we can, just to what you need to accomplish the task together as a couple - but as you can see you need to know quite a bit. To be clear to everyone, what we are discussing is changing your mate's/husband's/man's/boyfriend's behavior and socialization by deprogramming out those thoughts that cause undesirable behavior in him and then reprogramming behaviors back in him that are desirable and reinforcing them for life. Any woman can help any man do this if it is willful and consensual. Since we are all interested in female led relationship, we are talking about creating a more FLR kind of guy. It is up to you to define what that FLR kind of guy looks like. The truth is most men into FLR not only want this kind of change also are crying out for help with it.

»» You have just learned that FLR men want to change

Most people are familiar with the concepts of self-image, self esteem (self worth) and self control. These three elements are in everyone's lives and to what extent we can master them we will enjoy their benefits. Self image is how we see ourselves and often we use a reflective approach to gathering that information. So we create self image by how others behave around us - picking up clues and deciding what they mean. Men learn their roles in society not as much from actual training as from socialization. They pick up clues from other men, media and women and create a pattern that they follow. Women do too. Since it is women who are helping men change here it is helpful to know men by and large (yes there are exceptions) learned that they are to rule as much as they can, dominate as much as they can, they learned that it is a woman's place to do the housework along with a bunch of other social norms and now that is his self image. We also refer too this as social programming and socialization.

»» You have just learned that FLR men are programmed with a self image from socialization

If you are in an FLR is you are bucking the norm of society, in the lower levels less bucking and in level 4 you are on another planet. There are normal societal patterns where men cooperating with women, women lead men and women take control and authority over men but when you pass this point you are on rare earth indeed and approaching the realm of FemDom. It is normal for women to lead but not normal for women to make slaves out of their men. The reason this is an important concept is bucking societal norms causes feelings of shame in men when they are around other men and women (in society). Men who follow women to such a high level as 4 often go through or are in a constant state of shame because he has violated his socialization. The tapes in his head say men are supposed to be leaders, men are aggressive sexually, men want to score, women are objects of desire, men are not emotional, and so on.... However in FLR these are NOT the norm. Lower level FLR brings men into a supportive role and as the levels grow a much more servant like role. Not what daddy was taught.

»» You have just learned that men in FLR are at outside societal norms and it will cause shame for him

Your guy likely wants to please you as a blanket goal and you likely want to be pleased. Now you just need to decide what pleases you, examine where he is, and get from here to there. I feel there are 4 areas that women universally want their men to change in. 1) domestically as in homemaking, household chores and supporting the family, put down the toilet seat please. 2) romantically as in bring more romantic and wooing you. I'd love it if he would just act like in a romance novel. 3) sexually as in seeking to please you instead of being driven to climax and tune out. 4) becoming intimate and conversantly emotional: meaning he experiences and talks about his feelings. Some others might be sexual fidelity (he looks and plays around), responsibility with money (toys and frivolous spending) and 'me time' where he is focused on you because you want/need it.

»» You have just learned the poor programming areas women agree that many men have

Talk over exactly what things you want to address and how far you want to go. It is best you address them all at the same time because of the commitment of time and effort you will be making. Sit down over coffee or tea (have him serve) and have him type a draft of the goals for your review and comment. You can jump start the process then by choose an endearing term he will use for you that signifies he is acknowledging that you are teaching him, leading him and authoritative. Get him to type up a final draft and sign it. You will need a timetable. It takes about 3 months to traverse self-change and then you'll need to change both of your habits to support long-term change where he is no longer being trained.

»» You have just learned it takes 3 months to initiate the changes and intimate communication is required

There are three levels of intensity to reworking his self image, think of those like beginner, intermediate and advanced self image reprogramming. The level you aspire to is a process of deciding if 1) you want him pretty much as he is but with better habits and socialization [level 2 or 3 FLR]. 2) you want his habits changed and you want his openly recognition of your leadership and authority [level 3 or 4 FLR] or 3) you want to change his habits, he will recognize you as absolute ruler and will be desexualized [level 4 FLR] - this is often called creating a 'beta male' in FemDom circles.

»» You have just learned to make a decision about how intense his change will be.

There is negative punishment, negative reinforcement, positive reinforcement, and punishment

Negative punishment is the removal of the favorable stimulus sometimes called withdrawal. An event occurs that you don`t want so you withdraw something he likes at that moment. If he is getting something as a reward but has an infraction while trying to please you take away the reward. You can continue to add negative punishments together. Example: he is not doing the laundry to your satisfaction. The reward you chose was free time on his computer for games. You remove 1 day for each infraction. That makes the withdraw more painful. The opposite can also be true you can add back rewards as you praise him for things well done until he has back the reward in full.

Negative reinforcement is something you want avoid. Think of is as a reward for doing something bad. The correct thing to do is ignore it completely, only recognize good behaviors. Let's say he wants you to pay attention to him sexually, negative reinforcement is like when he continues to press you for attention and you spend time correcting him or arguing. Just say, "we agreed I am the authority I will decide when and how" and ignore him, if he persists punish in a way he really does not like. You did not give him your approval and he experienced your disapproval and was moved to stop which was the behavior you wanted. Conversely, when he does not press you praise him for being in self-control.

Positive reinforcement is your praise for anything well done, don`t worry about over doing it, he wants your approval and when he does good things give it to him. Example: Let's say he is in chastity and you are please he is not approaching you for release. You both praise and add things for him to do that are pleasing to him such as pampering you. Positive reinforcement is the basis for nurturing and a good rule of leadership.

Punishment is an adverse response to an action your don`t like, he does something bad so you punish him with something he does not like. If he likes it, it is negative reinforcement so choose things that actually punish him. Punishment is a key tool. Punishment can be physical, no physical or self-inflicted. [read more about punishment at "An essay about adult punishment in female led relationships OR every relationship has rules this is how to enforce them"]

»» You have just learned about punishment and reward

You should be aware that most of us have an idea of what we want while the things we ask for are those freshest on our minds. We sometimes think of things we are not getting as most important and leave out the grand variety we actually enjoy. To be successful at changing your man you will need to know yourself better and he can help while learning to please you. Use the "read it", "write it" and "say it" method -- tell him what you want. Have him record it and read it back to you as you listen you can make changes, add things, listening often inspires other thoughts. As often as possible, you want him to write things down and read them back to you. Repeat this as many times as it takes to know your ways and teach him what you want. Experiment in words before doing things. Like writing stories to see how it looks.

»» You have just learned to explorer together in order to teach him what you want

The steps to changing your man

The steps to make a change are the same from 1-3 for all intensities. They need to be done in order and advanced when you have completed one. Don`t jump to the finish line. All three intensity follow the first 3 steps then intensity 2 and 3 have further steps.

There is kind of an optional step 0 you can take for those interested -- called "controlling his orgasm". Many believe this provides serious improvement to the willingness of men because they are sexually tense. At first glance that seems right but if he is being denied sex to get his increased participation he is less than willfully participating. The counter argument to this is when women control sex in a relationship they get to choose his time and method of release and chastity is her business providing both negative punishment and positive reinforcement -- her participation in his chastity is a reward in itself - rewarding him with increased intimate attention. Chastity is not bad so whichever way you choose do chose before you start the other steps. If you choose chastity, start 7 days before step 1 and do not allow his climax until he complete step 2.

  1. Make yourself the authority figure, teacher and leader and get him in the habit of acknowledging it out loud - steps in changing your man
    • Your first demand of him. He must agree it is compulsory.
      • Choose a term of endearment he only says to you
      • He will use this endearing term whenever he addresses you
      • He will practice this in public and in private
      • Duration 7-10 days or until he has mastered it for 7 days continuously
      • He should be demonstrating willful participation
      • He will be rewarded by moving to step 2
      For this you will need a NEW term of endearment you can use anywhere that he can use to acknowledge he has heard you and is complying with your agreement and your authority. Many couples already have terms of endearment, this one need to be new and different from the old ones. Terms like "love", "dear". "precious", "darling" are the best because they affirm his commitment to you and his role, terms like boss, Mistress, Goddess, Queen are inappropriate because they do not actually define his expression of love for you they are part of a fantasy and FemDom which grew up with FLR as an alternate relationship type and are mostly just titles of respect not endearment. Have him practice this with you in public and private for a week to 10 days or until you think he has got it but no less than 7 days. When you think he has it down and you feel validated by it, add step 2. Remember you are going to use Negative punishment, Positive reinforcement and general Punishment to reinforce; and Not use Negative reinforcement. Your reinforcement must be swift and appropriate. Lavish praise is very good.
  2. Teach him what you want - steps in changing your man
    • You will be using "read it", "write it" and "say it" as your mantra. As often as possible you want him to write things down and read them back to you. This is a memory technique which aides in short term memory and helps the couple understand things commonly. It will also help you hear things being read aloud when they "sounds right", which gives you confidence. If your man is in chastity by design then me may not climax until he masters this step. Your second demand of him. He must agree it is compulsory.
      • Continue step 1 - he will use this for the duration of your relationship
      • Explore together what you want and how you want it
      • Teach him what he is going to be doing and have him demonstrate he heard you correctly
      • Teach him how you want things done
      • He will practice this in public and in private
      • Remember reinforcement and punishment swift and sure on both sides
      • In the case of sex and romance give him corrections/praise as he is doing it and feedback after he is done
      • If you feel you need to punish do it right then, dont wait, and lavish praise where he is doing well
      • His reward is he gets to go on to step 3 and have an orgasm if in chastity.
      • Duration 28 days or until he has mastered it for 7 days continuously
    • Additionally you are adding a "wait until I am ready to speak to you" clause. This means you will instruct him to ask before he interrupts you. This is a common courtesy in most of the world but in the west people just barge in and start talking. This reinforces that you are someone special, who has authority and is shown respect above other people. It create a basis for dependence on you and his seeking your approval
      • He will ask before speaking to you "love may I ask you a question?", "love may I have a word with you?"
      • You can make him wait or not depending on your style
      • If you make him wait and he attempts to come back signal him to stay and wait by snaping your fingers and using hand signs.
      • Remember to praise him by smiling and verbally "thank you for waiting", "I appreciate you waiting".
      If you want him to take over housework teach him how you do it, by showing him. Make him your apprentice. Each time he learns have him repeat what he has learned -- show you again that he understand what you want. If you want more romance tell him what you find romantic, have him interview you and design 'on paper' romantic events. Work with him to refine and develop his understanding then have him execute on what he understand as a test - have fun, laugh, be real, he can read romance novels you like too. If better sex for you is your mutual goal then tell him how you want it and as with romance have him write then review it with you.
    • You will now pick terms of endearment for him you speak openly about him and to him "my knight", "my good lover", "my gentleman" "my gentle husband", "my good servant". The my part signals possession. These should be positive terms but even cute ones are okay. DON'T use teasing. Use things that positively impact his hearing. Ask him. "are you my gentleman?" after he answers ask him for something or to do something for you - reward his participating with more participation. Use as many terms as you can make-up and use them all the time in the hearing of everyone. This begins to replace his public image as HOH with servant, helper, gentleman. You are moving him to seek your approval for his self worth.
      • Your turn to use terms of endearment which reprogram his self image
      • When you praise or reward use the term "I am so happy with my gentleman", "that was great my lover", "you are becoming a my great housekeeper", "wonderful my knight"
    • He graduate from this step when he has mastered all parts and you feel he getting into your praise
    • Men in chastity often have a lot of extra energy, keep him exercising hard, add extra work. He NEEDS your leadership right now because he is lost in his control of release. Direct him to be busy. Don't give in. This is a great time to get lots of extra sex from him too, which he will find a nice diversion.
  3. Changes to his posture - steps in changing your man
    • Your man has learned to be dominant and may not have mastered it very well but it still needs to be unlearned. FLR men want you to lead and posturing is a way to accomplish that while you work on his ability to follow. Think of posturing as positional. You clothed/him naked. You standing/him kneeling or sitting. You make decisions/he has to ask. You give approval/he seeks approval. This is a powerful change in his psychology. He is becoming dependent on you and you are growing in leadership of him. You are now going to substitute what he had learned socially with what he needs to learn. You are directing his self image to one of dependence and support.
      • Continue step 1 and 2
      • Although he should have mastered step 1, 2 he will need supervision, check often, praise and punish lavishly
      • He must sleep naked while you wear a gown
      • Before coming to bed he will kneel at the foot of the bed and rub your feet until you say stop. If you are already asleep he must kneel at your feet for 5 minutes and meditate on your feet before entering bed.
      • He will always sit while peeing everywhere he is
      • When you teach/correct him he must be positional lower than you
      • Stand in front of him in your bath robe while he is naked and kneeling in front of you, and command him to kiss your feet, kiss your ankles, kiss your thighs, you get the idea, work him up to oral sex. Don't take off your robe and he needs to be kneeling for the duration - no reposition.
      • When you punish him he must now be naked
      • If working on romance and or sex -- for at least one 24 hour period he will serve you hand in foot romantically and sexually remaining naked and attending you are all times. (have him sit or kneel quietly if you don`t want attention, such as using the bathroom)
      • He will dress to please you - asking what he should wear and how he looks, "do you find me attractive in this?", "can I wear something else that would please you more?"
      • He will ask you if you like his hair and grooming
      • If you physically punish him he must now get on all fours at your feet or over your knee (OTK)
      • Being naked is not practical in public
      • For the duration he will do all the work in initiating pleasing you sexually and ask "did you like it that way?" after he is done and you are satisfied.
      • When you see him and he looks hot say so, rub and pat his ass as you walk by, wistle at him, complement him on his ass in those pants, watch him as he walks towards you and comment on it. Do these things publicly and privately
      • Remember reinforcement and punishment swift and sure on both sides
      • His reward is he gets to go on to step 4
      • Duration 14 days beginning the day after step 2 completion terminating when he has mastered for 7 days continuously.
      This is designed to be a role reversal from traditional dominant male stereotypes where the man must be pleased by a woman who dresses for show, attempts to be sexy and alluring, satisfies her man to keep him happy, and does what he is asking for. If the reverse were true the guy would feel satisfied and powerful. Think about everything women go through to please men and get him to do that for you along with all the new tricks he should have learned to please you in step 2.
    • If you are just out to get your man shaped up and flying right you may want to stop here and jump to step 6
  4. Changes to his social standing - in changing your man
    • At least a month and 3 weeks should have passed. Your man should be deserving of praise and rewards. You should have a good feeling about how things are going. You are getting what you want and he is happily pleasing you. He is comfortable that he knows what you want and is able to ask questions to grow your level of variety. Now you are going to bring in some outside help. At every chance show your excitement to your women friends, sisters, mom of the progress he has made. Keep it positive. It is important that he hears you say it to them but say it even if he is not there. You are painting a new identity for him. He is now "your white night who is so wonderful to take over the housework", he is "your gentleman who has become the greatest lover", he has become "your best romantic servant making you so satisfied"
      • Continue step 1 and 2
      • Continue with step 3 -- if you may want: scale back on nakedness and kneeling a bit but remember he is now in the business of attracting you, seeking your approval, desires to tempt you and get your attention. Tell the world that "he even dresses up sexy for me, I am so please with him"
      • If you have close girlfriends tell them what he has been doing to please you and get them to ask him questions about it.
      • If you want, make him prove he is obeying and working hard to please you by asking him to do something you command him to in front of your girlfriends or sisters. Start small by asking him to fetch everyone drinks and work up to him kneeling at your side or rubbing your feet. In publc.
      • His reward is he gets the approval of a pleased women in the room who are telling him they is happy - NO TEASING - if anyone teases him - you should intervene and tell the one teasing how hurtful that is and how pleased you are with him
      • Duration 14 days beginning the day after step 3. Keep this up for as long as it takes for you to tell everyone then tell them again.
      Shame is an interesting teacher and he will undoubtedly be feeling shame knowing he is not behaving like other men. Sometime men in training will freeze or turn off or rebel because of their shame. Remember praise is the key, get others to praise him openly by showing how pleased you are. don`t do anything if he freezes or rebels, he must come to you and apologize and see approval. This has the effect of reprogramming him as "the guy who serves his wife so much she brags about him to others." After you do this for the first time begin to reassure him in private that what he is doing is 'noble' and 'good', he is a shining example of a real gentleman, a white night, a real god send. His shame will pass. After it seems to be gone push the limits of his obedience of service in public in a safe crowd. Anything you can get him to do that is servant like will work to program him. He is becoming that man you always wanted and himself. Keep up the praise.
    • If you are out to get your man shaped up and publicly acknowledging you as HOH, stop here and jump to step 6
  5. Desexualize or re-sexually-orientate - steps in changing your man
    • This step is for couple who want the man to become a beta male. It is of course off the deep end and very sexy and it's really not normal. It will change his sexual thinking. He will no longer be a sex seeker, he will be a sex provider that may get to climax if he is good enough, pleasing enough, skilled enough. This step take some time and requires your man to demonstrate he is able to perform sex for anyone as a woman would for a man. What I mean by that is his body will be for pleasure and service and he will no longer be seeking pleasure for himself. He will derive his pleasure from your approval. Think of it like a women who never learned to climax. There are lots of them. They enjoy sex but never really blast off. He is going to fill this role.
      • You both will continue all previous steps
      • This process should be done for 28 days with swift/severe punishment and lavish praise
      • He must enter male chastity now if you had not previously
      • He will now begin to kneel naked at your feet for instructions while you remain fully or partly dressed (sexy or business attire works best) - You will command him to "get naked and kneel" he must hurry to comply. For any infraction you will hit him hard but not damage him. He is becoming your object/property and as such only obedience will do. He will perform any task he performers for you in the presence of anyone else is is your public servant. Obedience is compulsory.
      • You will need a realistic looking dildo (black or brown), and a strap on dildo. Get a small one and a really big one (black or brown), some lube is also needed
      • Get a few copies of playgirl magazine. Every day for 28 days before he initiate sex with you he is to kneel at the foot of the bed and open the magazine and explain to you what he likes about each of the men. He must tough their members in the photo and run his fingers around their chest and stomach. Then....
      • He is to initiate sex and give a thrilling blow job to one dildo while you watch and praise him and critique his effort. Then he is the have anal sex with the strap on dildo on you, You will lay flat on the bed on your back with the dildo pointed up and he will give you thrilling sex, undulating his hips, clinching his anus as if he were a woman on top or a man. No less than 15 minutes and you need to fake a massive cum thrusting in him with convulsions as you pull him to you. Then he will give you whatever kind of sex you want if any with the same thrilling energy. He must not use his thing to do this. His thing is locked until he has mastered the art of pleasing anyone by being the best lay in town. He must take the posture that he is really good at this so he will be asked to participate in sex otherwise he gets none.
      • If you are daring and you know a Chippendale type you can have a date in front of your man and start him touching the Chippendale man and you to add further flavor to sex but remember the mission is for him to eagerly please so include him in pleasing. Have the alpha take him in his ass and mouth and your beta must do all he can to give thrilling sex to the alpha. This will complete his transformation to obedient beta in private now you need to do that in public too.
      • You must repeat step 3 after you have finished with step 4 but this time you will use teasing and humiliation. Let's say you are together in the living room with the girls, ask him in, have him give everyone a foot rub while you comment and giggle about it. On another occasion have him strip naked and face the corner while you bring in your girl friends and explain to them he was a bad boy. After a while invite him to leave and get dressed. On another occasion he will remain in only an apron while he serves snacks and drinks to your guests.
      This step takes into account that the woman will have other lovers and the man is no longer going to be her primary lover. In fact she bay never use him for pleasure again if she wishes but can if it pleases her. She is making a slave of her man and he is willingly going along with that. These changes will effect may parts of his life. He is no longer going to be aggressive in any area of this life. In fact he will be submissive and completely subservient.
  6. Normalization - steps in changing your man
    • It's is work to do this stuff forever so normalcy must come at some time - you want your man to continue in all he is done to change and you to enjoy the change. to do this you will need rules rituals and ceremony.
      • Have a ceremony where he makes vows to you in public or private
      • Have him wear a ring, necklace or wrist band
      • Have him recite the rules to you from time to time or while your girlfriends listens
      • Hold a surprise inspection
      • Take classes in leadership
      • Have him take a class in homemaking or home management
    • Relationships go flat too so look to spice them up by leading him to do more and varied things for you, even surprise you if you like such things.
    • Review your agreement together from time to time. If you have a contract look it over and make changes as needed.
    • You can repeat steps 1-3 and you can repeat the process 1-6 together again to make more changes or change back.
    • Leadership can be challenged so assert your leadership anytime you feel the need.
    • Enjoy your relationship around your friends and family.
»» Do you live near Melbourne Australia? ««
'My wife and I want to connect with other couples currently engaged in a Female-led relationship, who live in Melbourne, Australia. We wish to start a program of regular munches/meetups and establish a local support network' Please make contact if interested: Kate and Christian Mitchell
 
 
The 5 Food Groups In depth
How to have a harmonious relationship. Negotiating in relationships explained. How the 5 food groups can help you define and explain a better cleaner faster relationship. One hour with this book will enlighten you! Ready now
 
 
Women were asked
I like the thought of changing him?
33% 10% 57%
 
 
 
In Some Ways No Yes

*on-going poll requested of women

90% of women want to change something about their men in FLR relationships men are eager to please and change.

 
Men were asked
I want strict training in our FLR?
33% 7% 60%
 
 
 
If She Wants No Yes

*on-going poll requested of men

Only 7% of men were not willing to undergo training

 
Men were asked
I am willing to obey my woman?
7% 1% 92%
 
 
 
If She Wants No Yes

*on-going poll requested of men

99% of men are willing to obey their women so they will follow you through training

 
Women were asked
I like the thought of punishing him?
28% 14% 58%
 
 
 
In Some Ways No Yes

*on-going poll requested of women

86% of women like the idea of punishment in their relationships. The trick is being comfortable with your choices and responsible to your core values in doing it.

 
Women were asked
The thought of commanding him?
20% 77% 3%
 
 
 
Interesting It`s Hot Yuck

*on-going poll requested of women

Women opverwhelmingly like the idea of commanding their men. 97% of those polled were positive about it.

 

Personal tools
Actions
FLR Comparisons
FLR Guides/Info
Did you know? there are 3,090 pages of content on this website