It was my idea to write this article because porn addiction is an issue which I am quite familiar with. As I started to research this article, I knew in general terms that porn addiction consumes your time and sometimes your money. I knew that many times, the addicted persons were not the only victims. I was also recently made aware of a new phrase for porn as it relates to FLR: FLR dark. As I went deeper into my research I saw for the first time just how dark it is. My hope with this article is to show how destructive porn is -- not just to those of us seeking FLR, but to everyone else who are caught in its grasp.
Mental health professionals estimate that there are between 18 million to 24 million Americans addicted to porn at any given time. I come to write this article from a perspective that is by no means unique. I was one of them. I became addicted to porn (Femdom) from my late teens to my mid 20's.
There were periods when I abandoned the addictions, only to return. I married at 27 and thought now that I could have real sex with a wife regularly, I would have no desire for porn -- WRONG! I never sought help with my addiction so it just kept coming back.
The fact is, I was hooked on porn long before I got married and I was not really going to be satisfied in the long term with "vanilla" sex. After a couple of years of marriage, I began to crave the kinky fantasy sex I used to see in porn clips online. I didn't have the courage at the time to ask my wife to fulfill the kink craving because I feared she would be completely turned off by my requests.
My solution to my "dilemma" was to just secretly look at porn. The problem was that when the craving takes hold again, it becomes an obsession. I was constantly thinking about it. It takes up my thoughts at work and at home and wherever I may be.
A few years into our marriage I finally got up the courage to bring my fantasies up to my wife. I know now that the approach I used then was not too helpful. Of course, I broached the issue from a sex standpoint. In my defense, back then in the early 90's I had not heard of FLR and did not know that there was any such thing as FLR households.
To my wife's credit, she heard me out and even agreed to play femdom games in the bedroom but no further. I was fine with that. I thought that would be enough for me. It actually was for a long time.
I am laughing now as I recall at one point during our marriage while we played, my wife developed this sadistic idea of using a single tail whip on me in the middle of the night. She would get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and the next thing I know, she'd turn on the lights and tell me to lay on my stomach. She would then use the whip on my thighs or buttocks.
As you may imagine, playing in the bedroom only was not good enough for me after a while. My solution? Porn. The same cycle again. Obsessing about it and looking for opportunities to view it. I felt guilty and sometimes even dirty. I was able to view it at work because I worked alone.
My wake-up call came when I was 32. My wife was diagnosed as suffering from breast cancer. Suddenly my addiction was a distant memory. I had more important concerns. As a Christian man, I prayed hard for my wife to be healed. I also knew that my prayers would not be answered if I had sin in my life for which I did not confess.
It was extremely hard for me. I felt incredible shame. I knew I had to do it, so I told my wife about my addiction. She was actually understanding and forgiving. Not surprising since she was focused more on her fight for her life.
I stood by and supported my wife as she fought hard and courageously. I watched her go through several recurrences. She never gave up. The day before mother's day in May of 2008, after 13 years of fighting, my wife passed away. We were six months away from our 21st anniversary. When I think back on the countless hours I spent wasting my time being away from her and looking at porn, I feel very guilty. I feel I've disrespected and dishonored my wife every time I engaged in that activity.
If my wife was not so focused on her fight with cancer, her response to my confession might have been different. It might have been like my sister-law's response to her husband's addiction with porn. She told me she felt sexually inadequate for her husband. Men who are addicted to porn are not the only victims of that addiction. Many other victims are left in their wake.
In an internet article written by Ryan Singel on November 19, 2004, for the magazine WIRED he called porn addiction the new crack cocaine. He said that according to clinicians and researchers testifying before a Senate committee, pornography can lead to addiction, misogyny, pedophilia, boob jobs and erectile dysfunction.
Mary Anne Layden, co-director of the Sexual Trauma and Psychopathology Program at the University of Pennsylvania's Center for Cognitive Therapy, while testifying before the Senate Commerce Committee's Science, Technology and Space Subcommittee in November of 2004 had this to say about porn:
It is the most concerning thing to psychological health that I know of existing today. She added: The internet is a perfect drug delivery system because you are anonymous, aroused and have role models for these behaviors. To have this drug pumped into your house 24/7, free, and children know how to use it better than grown-ups know how to use it -- it's a perfect delivery system if we want to have a whole generation of young addicts who will never have the drug out of their mind. Pornography addicts have a more difficult time recovering from their addiction than cocaine addicts, since coke users can get the drug out of their system, but pornographic images stay in the brain forever.
In an article called THE HIGH PRICE OF PORN ADDICTION printed on April 22, 2011 for ARTICLESBASE, an online article directory, Dolf Zillmann of the University of Indiana and Jennings Bryant of the University of Houston wrote:
Viewing pornography in the privacy of your own home (and increasingly in the workplace!) can lead to the following:
- increased callousness toward women;
- trivialization of rape as a criminal offense;
- distorted perceptions about sexuality;
- increased appetite for more deviant and bizarre types of pornography (escalation and addiction);
- devaluation of monogamy;
- decreased satisfaction with a partner's sexual performance, affection, and physical appearance;
- doubts about the value of marriage;
- decreased desire to have children; and
- viewing non-monogamous relationships as normal and natural behavior.
Speaking for myself, I can certainly say I have always had the utmost respect for women, but I do admit that at one time or another I have did feel decreased satisfaction with my wife's sexual performance. That was not her fault by any stretch of the imagination. It was all my fault because I was thinking about kink.
The number of visitors to internet porn sites each year is estimated to be 22.9 million. We can safely say that the vast majority of those are men. Please bear in mind that this is just the internet site visitors. Between visitors to adult book store, purchasers of magazines and persons frequenting phone sex/phone domination, the number goes up considerably. Some estimates to as much as 70 million per year.
Pornography is big business. There's no doubt about that. Just how big it is though, seems to be debatable. In researching this article, I have seen estimates anywhere from $2 billion a year to as much as $30 billion a year.
FORBES MAGAZINE estimates porn to be about a $2.6 - $3.9 billion dollar a year industry. This includes:
Adult Video $500 million to $1.8 billion Internet $1 billion Pay-Per-View $128 million Magazines $1 billion Total $2.6 billion to $3.9 billion
That estimate does not take into account the number of visitors to "adult book stores", purchasers of phone sex/ phone domination, etc.
Just to put things into perspective, one of the big three automakers, Chrysler posted a $2 billion dollar profit in 2011. Chrysler is a Fortune 500 company.
Profits from pornography and from phone sex industries trickle down to other business sectors. Attorneys, accountants, advertising agencies and even telephone companies profit from the porn industry. I've seen estimated profits for the telephone companies of $500 million per year from the phone sex industry. The phone sex industry itself is about a $1.67 billion dollar a year industry.
A lot of those profits go into the pockets of organized crime too. Over the last three decades, changes in the law have enabled law enforcement agencies like the FBI to conduct investigations and make sweeping arrests, decimating entire organized crime families.
The mafia is now a shadow of its former self. As a means of adapting, they have had to look for legitimate sources of income. The porn industry was a natural fit for them. Porn and strip clubs are the current industry of choice for them.
There is no doubt that the pornography industry preys upon the weaknesses of others and makes billions of dollars off of these victims. Something else most of us probably don't know or don't think about: Actors and actresses in the porn industry are also often victims.
The porn industry has what they call a quarantine list. They place actor's names on the list when the actors contract a STD. I saw the current list while doing research for this article. I only looked at one page but there were other pages on there -- A through Z, for anyone who wants to look up a specific actor's name. At one point the whole porn industry shut down when AIDS was running rampant through the community. There have been numerous deaths throughout the years attributed to AIDS in the porn industry.
On the page that I looked at, there were 14 actors and actresses listed. Most were actresses. Of the 14, maybe two or three were listed as suffering from genital herpes. The rest were listed as suffering from HIV/AIDS. That included a husband and wife acting team.
This is the industry where so many males get their kink fantasy ideas from. This is the industry the puts FLR relationships further out of reach for those males. Sometimes, this is the industry that destroys relationships.
The 5 Food Groups In depth
|Women were asked|
|I like the thought of punishing him?|
|In Some Ways||No||Yes|
86% of women like the idea of punishment in their relationships. The trick is being comfortable with your choices and responsible to your core values in doing it.
|Women were asked|
|I like the thought of changing him?|
|In Some Ways||No||Yes|
Women overwhelmingly like the idea of changing their men. 89% of those polled were positive about it.
|Women were asked|
|The thought of spanking him?|
97% of women find spanking their man at least interesting - this might be in play but compare it to the punishment question.
|Men were asked|
|I want to practice punishment in our FLR?|
|If She Wants||No||Yes|
94% of men are asking or at least willing to accept punishment from their women