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Discussing Issues in Female Led Relationships

The topic of "FLR Dark? - Issues in female led relationships" is covered from the viewpoint of the Author of this website, what Experts say about "FLR Dark? - Issues in female led relationships" and how our users feel about the subject. You can participate freely. We invite expert opinion via email. We value all kinds of information such as: research, anecdotal information and perspective.

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Why are so many people against it and see it as such a bad thing? From what I have heard and seen of it, it has been associated with a 'darkness' but why is that? As I am learning about it and putting it all together, I noticed that there are many people who actually get paid to punish and dominate males. I wonder if they have to pay for it because they want to hide it.
Author: VickieKS3 2010-12-29 16:14:31    [reply]
VickieKS3
I think that it is considered 'dark' because it is hard to understand and it can become dangerous. I know that many religious groups are against it for various reasons including that one human being should never have that much control over another individual. Maybe they feel a man in no way should be the 'slave' because traditional roles tell us that the man should be in charge. Also, when you just consider the sexual aspect of FLR, sometimes fetish sex, props/accessories and costumes are involved. Let's be honest and say that no religious group would agree with that at all!

Reply by: SusanM88 2010-12-29 16:15:21    [reply]
SusanM88
What exactly do you mean by dangerous? I am new to this entire concept and wasn't aware of the fetishes involved. Just because a man has fantasies does not mean he is sick, so how can FLR be considered dangerous? My impression is that he wants a woman to take control in the bedroom so it's not like he can hurt you right?

Reply by: VickieKS3 2010-12-29 16:24:15    [reply]
VickieKS3
Well, my understanding is that sometimes people take their fetishes to the extreme. I guess you just need to be really, really careful. For instance, if your man wants you to gag him or choke him, this isn't something you take lightly. Sometimes men like to feel the pain with whips and other props which may cause physical harm if done incorrectly. I guess you just need to be really careful in researching all these sort of things before performing them. From the outside looking in, it may seem more dangerous than what it really is because you need to remember that both the male and female have an understanding of what is going on and both want it.

Reply by: SusanM88 2010-12-29 16:25:19    
VickieKS3
Likely A small number of real professionals and tons to models and pretenders, but to your point, FLR would be great if we could get rid of the crap left by porn people and dominos

Reply by: Amy Lynn 2010-12-29 16:35:51    
Why do you think that people are so focused on the sexual aspects of the FLR? It seems like so many people are so fixated on the sex and kink that they are completely missing the point of changing up the power in the relationship. Does anyone think that FLR is more about sex than psychology?
Author: JustWondering 2011-01-01 15:53:43    [reply]
JustWondering
I think it is because mostly men are leading the conversation and they have the fantasy and the porn industry is catering to that so women have lost control for now of the subject. To take it back and normalize if women should share openly - if they like kink - GREAT - if they don't like kink - SAY SO. The very fact we are discussing it takes it out of the realm of the professionals and profiteers and back into our hands.

Reply by: Admin 2011-01-01 17:31:30    [reply]
Its been my experience when i have broached the subject of a FLR with a woman that instantly the image they conjure up is of a mean woman with a whip in her hand, snarling over the trembling woose of a man ordering him to do things. While this can be a part of it, it usually is not the main focus of a loving FLR. i took great pleasure in providing for the emotional and physical happiness for my then wife in a loving FLR. i was proud that in some small way i could help her empower herself to be what she wanted to be. Not what i or society deemed she should be soley based on her gender. Kink can be fun, it can be a useful tool both for learning and discipline. But it does not have to be a part of it.
Author: Edge39047 2011-02-04 12:49:36    [reply]
Edge39047 That comes from the impression the term female led relationship has been cast in. FLR has been in FemDom's greedily little hands and while it will remain female dominated because they are leading it, it no longer had to be part of the internet porn industry.
Reply by: Guest 2011-02-05 16:48:31    [reply]
Edge39047 Imagine being a Christian and finding FLR conjures up such impressions. When it is really a lot less threatening but still as sexy. Women leaders are sexy but the impression FemDom gives is that men are scum - we are not.
Reply by: Mac 2011-02-05 16:51:24    [reply]
I also notice that much of FemDom porn is directed at men; the camera focuses on the dom, who is usually a XXX star with a whip and leather corset, not a professional dom, and the men are usually and exceptionally unattractive. Of course there are exceptions; PlaygirlTV has a scene featuring a gorgeous real-life married couple; one half of the scene shows the couple in bed, making tender, passionate love, whereas the other half shows the wife dominating the husband (but not brutally or excessively) in a dark setting.
Author: Goldenmuse 2011-02-07 06:25:27    [reply]
I am often amazed at the language that has been developed from FemDom and BSDM that has become common to FLR now. It is not really supportive of relationship, rather it is supportive of quick play and professionals. When people first meet and form a relationship, they don't really call each other Mistress or subby boy; nope, rather they use their names, Hi Carole, nice to meet you Ben. This language/blight clearly has to go before FLR can become mainstream.
Author: Guest 2011-02-16 05:34:53    [reply]
Guest There is a lot of overlap between FemDom and FLR. In fact, the terms FLR and Loving Female Authority were invented to make the dominance/submission (non-BDSM, matriarchial) part of FemDom more palatable to women. Take a look at Retraining in the Articles section of this site. It suggests selecting new names that subtly emphasize the subservient role of the man. It also includes a lot of things to do the same as the D/s part of FemDom. Apparently, that is also what some professionals do, and not the whips, chains, and boots routine. They do what many men want and most women won't do.
Reply by: Nerd 2011-02-21 07:04:00    [reply]
Great website! I've read through most of it and am looking forward to sharing it with my FLR wife when she returns from her travels. Perhaps she will also join and comment. I should probably disclose that we are very familiar with what I am seeing called the "dark side" and "femdom." We have both been interested in BDSM for quite some time, and each of us have experienced both the submissive side and the dominant side. If you have serious questions about the "dark side" please feel free to ask and I'll do my best to offer meaningful answers. Other than that, I probably won't have too much to say about it.
Author: Kinked 2011-04-03 20:53:42    [reply]
Kinked Welcome - thanks for stepping up with the offer to share, that is vital to all of our quest for knowledge. I have a question about level 4 as a lifestyle. Are you in or do you know anyone who practices level 4 (seriously) all the time? and how does that work. The reason I ask is many have level 4 dreams but most seem to just be experimented or looking for it, while level 3 seems to have many more participants? The number must be very small right?
Reply by: Randell 2011-04-03 21:15:34    [reply]
Randell In my experience so far, Level 4 is easy to attain in short bursts, but nearly impossible to hold onto for long stretches of time. I agree with you that the number of people really doing it must be very small. I do not know of any myself. Level 4 is an extreme lifestyle, and extreme things are, almost by definition, impractical. The cares of life - work, bills, household maintenance, flat tires, family obligations, illness, aches and pains, all take a toll on the amount of energy and emotion we have to give to a Level 4, which by its nature demands a large amount of both. Our house seems to be gradually going toward a situation that I think will look like Level 3 most of the time and Level 4 some of the time.
Reply by: Kinked 2011-04-04 06:14:05    
I know people who are so rigid in their beliefs, or who have such small worlds (in my personal opinion) that anything that is 'different' than their norm is going to be a 'very bad thing'. We each have our unique 'picture frame' that we view the world through. I'd like to believe mine has rose colored glass as I prefer to find the best in people, but regardless there was a time I would have had a hard time believing a woman could enjoy leading the relationship she shares with her partner. If the topic is broached is a very loving manner then I believe it's more inclined to be accepted - or at least thought about. I know on my website I use the term 'embracing my inner bossiness' a lot. Some women do not like it at all, as we're taught that bossy is a bad thing. However, it is a term that everyone understands, and most are not afraid of it. And women ARE bossy. We're just not always honest about it. But using this terminology I've been able to create verbal bonds with people and get them listening to my point of view. And that's all I ask - is that they hear me out. If they decide it's not for them, then at least they now have knowledge of options available. But the relationship by itself - how can it be 'dark'? To hear that and believe it to be true, your world would have to be fairly narrow - in my personal opinion.
Author: QueenBee-SheMakesTheRules 2011-04-09 01:49:03    [reply]
QueenBee-SheMakesTheRules QueenBee-SheMakesTheRules: Much Of MAG concentrated on FRL Dark. The term FRL Dark is somewhat of a misnomer in that the term seems to join FLR and Dark together. There is no doubt in my mind that FLR dark exists and that it draws men into its seductive, yet all the while, unfulfilling promise. The FLR relationship you speak about is a loving and interactive exchange between a pair. In my understanding, “embracing your inner boss” is simply an extension of love and interaction and recognizes the fact that women can be and are authorities. I challenge, to find love or for that matter even an embrace at the OWK. (A website that has about as long a history as your does.) FLR can draw a couple together. FLR Dark, (commercial internet femdom) does not, nor do I now believe that it has as its purpose, draw real people, with real interests, together. I know I walk a slender thread with the use of the word commercial however that thread is a bright line when content (of the website) is included in the definition. In sum, FLR, misdefined by media, can be and is dark and can create a relationship with its consumer. Most respectfully gat1207
Reply by: Gat1207 2011-04-14 11:41:55    [reply]
PS. QueenBee: The pratical application is;"Now I have to go back to cleaning the bathroom, not because I have a heartless leather clad woman with a bull whip standing over me, but because I have a son who's aim sucks." its all in the content of the relationship. smiles gat1207 gat1207
Reply by: Gat1207 2011-04-14 13:59:12    
Gat1207 Good point Gat, someone has to clean the toilet. I am glad we have a maid.
Reply by: Randell 2011-04-15 19:54:35    
QueenBee-SheMakesTheRules I get your point and BTW you are a good communicator which I appreciate. I do disagree that a person who wants to change their view of FemDom or Porn has a "fairly narrow" view. Infact in this age it is an enlightened view. No one is saying do away with it or men can't participate. I am saying in FLR it is counter productive if women or men are objectified because cannot really have a relationship because that requires two people.
Reply by: Randell 2011-04-15 19:53:29    [reply]
Randell I agree here. If there is no issue with addiction to porn, and it stays in its box so to speak in relationship to the -- well to the relationship it is fine. It doesn't HAVE to be a problem, but it an be. When it is a problem, it is a creeping sneaky problem and hard to see coming. That is the danger.
Reply by: Chris68 2011-08-27 05:58:24    
i [I] think FLR is beautiful in every way. i [I] can't see any darkness in it. - edited by staff (female, she, her and wife and not capitalized except at the beginning of a sentence, i for men is not lower case)
Author: Dennis 2011-08-25 15:02:18    [reply]
Dennis A couple of observations: The FLR Dark notion is one documented elsewhere on the site and is not just being thrown around in the abstract. It refers to taking aspects of sexuality, relationship and running it as an industry designed to promote its own survival in spite of damage it might be doing to the consumers of it. That is my interpretation, it is articulated better elsewhere as mentioned above. That is one observation. The other is more general that although one may not be aware of darkness does not mean that darkness is not there. One might consider, for example, is it that I am just too internally focused to realize the impact of FLR Dark on me?
Reply by: Chris68 2011-08-24 23:35:49    [reply]
Chris68 good insight I think, there is a strong drive by people (all genders and ages) to serve themselves and their drives. "Feed Me" they scream!
Reply by: Ann 2011-08-26 06:52:09    
Dennis Playing with dark is just a distraction form the real needs of men who want FLR. Women are empowered by knowing what men need not responding to their passing fancies.
Reply by: SusanM88 2011-09-14 07:18:54    
To me the beautiful part is that SHE gets to define the roles. There is such a ligh level of trust in FLR relationships both ways. Once two people that care for each other realize the a FLR is the right type of relationship for them. The how becomes less improtant. After all, again it is up to her to define it
Author: Edge39047 2012-01-15 18:10:40    [reply]
Why is it so difficult to find people nearby who are interested in this type of relationship dynamic? I have to imagine that people nearby do exist. Any recommendations for how to find people locally? - edited by staff [reason: off topic]
Author: Stpetem34 2016-02-01 14:25:40    [reply]
Here's a post I made in reply to a question from Prickly Pear in a part of the site that is not well signposted (what men say about flr/ I have asked her for an flr?) prickly Pear asked the good question, why dont more women ask for flr?
Author: Karim56 2012-10-19 00:35:55    [reply]
Here's my speculative thoughts about why more women don't ask to lead. 1. Some people (women as well as men) dont want to be leaders due to their personality types. Nothing wrong with that, people are different. 2. Of women who might like to lead, social pressures about traditional roles inhibit some of them. This site has some great material about what we can all do to tackle this important issue, including action by men to resocialise themselves. 3. Of women who are leaders, many can get many of the benefits that matter to them like effective control of the food groups without a formal flr. They develop the leadership skills to do that in ways that dont bump up against social attitudes and dont involve the additional demands that most formal flrs make of them as leaders. 4. Men want formal flrs more than women because men are more likely to be motivated at least partly by a fantasy element. 5. Maybe also related to this, men are more likely to need to relate their relationship needs to a theoretical framework about power, while many women may have a more intuitive and naturally integrated approach to control of the food groups plus connectedness and intimacy within their relationship. These women dont ask for formal flrs because they dont need to in order to get the relationship they want, unless as part of a considered response to a request from their mate in recognition of his interest, and the benefits that flow from her engaging with that interest for developing the relationship. He must express his interest to get the relationship he craves, so he asks for it. Is this speculation on the right track? I'd welcome views, especially from women in established flrs, I understand that it is presumptuous of me to make guesses about your motivation. Did you ask for your flr? Or did he propose and you dispose? Author: Karim56 2012-10-19 00:19:08
Author: Karim56 2012-10-19 00:36:15    [reply]
Karim56 I think the biggest reason is the social pressure to be normal (what ever that is) and the kink
Reply by: Guest 2012-10-23 09:01:44    [reply]
The biggest problem I foresee in becoming "dark", is the issue of the experience of the leader. When we submit ourselves, it can become like one too many or one too few drinks. One too few and you never reach that peak of ecstasy, one too many and it's too late. The damage done can be irreversible, physically and/or psychologically.
Author: NETXFLRSeeker58 2017-08-31 00:24:22    [reply]

 

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