Discussing Issues in Female Led Relationships
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There is a lot of reading on-line about men who are denied orgasm becoming sweeter, more attentive and eager to please. There are a couple of studies, surveys and many people life experience to read from. The result come when a man is at a peak or in the plateau of maximum level of sex hormones in his blood stream. There are two ways for men to not have orgasm. 1. voluntary abstinence with orgasm denial and 2. male chastity. The benefit is reported to happen at about 7 days and reaches its plateau level by 12 about days. This information is motivational material for both men and women when they want him to spend more time and effort on her wishes and desires. The effect is enhanced some by her either asking him to please her sexually while denying himself orgasm or by stimulating him sexually (teasing) and not allowing him to participate in sex at all with you. Most men are not very good at the abstinence method and continue to masturbate so what is left is male chastity with a locked chastity device.
Admin How to we know we can believe what we read online? Anyone can say anything. I suppose we just need to experiment safely.
FLR men want to go from the attitude of having their woman as the "object" of their desire - the woman who is going to be there for their sexual release to his becoming the object of his woman's pleasure who she looks to for her sexual pleasure when she is pleased to do so. It required a change in self image for men. Many man are so goal oriented - they want to climax and foreplay/sex is just a vehicle for that. Their body and training tells them to seek that. Some men want to change that behavior to become dream lovers for their women. A man who is doing everything possible to attract his women and to give her pleasure. This can be a true role reversal for a couple. Chastity alone is not enough, it takes deprogramming and retraining for any long term effectual change.
Timing men to your cycles, day 7-12 days are magic days for his attentiveness and he has a lot more energy. It is like when you first met and he put so much energy into attracting you. You can plan this for a weekend to get maximum benefits for you and your guy. If you want two weekends a month where he is really working to please you then allow him to climax once each 14 days. I time with on the opposite week of my period. It gives me about 10 days of his energy at a max. Another way is his release each 28 days timed to the week of your cycle giving you 21 days of his best energy to please. Men are aware of this and are asking. Try and experiment.
ArchAngel I never thought of that, nice tip
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The difference between his fantasy and your reality must cause issues. What are they and how do you deal with them?
The idea that my boyfriend wants a pretty extreme FLR is a turn off to me. The act of him even asking for this (outside of dominant/submissive sex play) leads me to seriously question who he is. He is making me feel bad for wanting us to find a different way to make changes to our relationship. How can we have the kind of relationship he wants, but not the extreme sex stuff and both be happy?
Think about this: If you are in control, he must accept what you are prepared to give him. A lot can be achieved with teasing and denial. But never anything against your will, otherwise he is still in control.
If a woman always has to dominate a partner, you can turn him into your little sex slave. You can tease his dick for hours, and just before he's about to cum, request that he rubs your dick over your clit until you cum. It is then your choice when to allow him to cum. Alternatively, take away the thing he loves the most in a woman - the curves of a woman, soft lips, pussy, and breasts. Rub him into a frenzy by masturbating to a climax, rubbing oil all over your body, while he's unable to touch you or masturbate. Make him explode without touch and you will easily stimulate his sexual mind to think exactly your way.
Males often have an idealized form of what the woman is going to 'to do him'. Too bad. A male needs to understand that his fantasy is just that a fantasy. His woman will decide what goes down. A woman in control of herself, her desires, and her male calls the shots. If a woman embraces her own naughty imagination it will often deeply benefit her submissive, but he has to wait for it. Males that top from the bottom or impatient with their woman need a solid and sound discipline. It is not a males place to ever be impatient with his woman.
"We are very much into experimentation and are currently working our way through the Kama Sutra. Our alone time is sacred to us and there would never be a consideration for scheduling something over that alone time. The kids are gone every other week, visiting with their bio-father, so we have the house to ourselves at that time, and wow! do we take advantage of the time" quoted from my interview
To get him more committed men take pleasure in your asking them for sex, sexy things and anytime they can be with you while you are changing your clothes, showering or being in the bathroom. Keep him aroused but don't allow him to climax even if he needs a chastity device to stop him. This first phase of your relation will result in him becoming the communicator you always wanted but you may not like what you learn, however you are in a position to make both your lives better for the long run.
It took a lot of trust for us to get to the level of comfort we have now. This was not just my fantasy, it was hers as well, but we reached a couple of points that made one or both of us squirm. I didn't like being spoken to like an idiot, any more than a woman does. She didn't like me acting helpless, any more than a man wants that from his wife (not this man, anyway.) We had to talk those things through. One thing that really worried her is being observed as "weird." We don't feel weird, but we're professional people and our careers intersect. We're careful to drop the "act" when we're with coworkers.
Seems like guys fall into two camps on this subject, the side that wants not to climax (control from woman or chastity) and the side that wants be a sex tool. Both sound fun but there is a problem. The satisfied man stays home while he who is not tends to stray, how to women in FLR handle that?
There is something very arousing about the thought of a women controlling my orgasms. There is no question about that. However, I can see controlling one's orgasms but allowing for whatever normal release would be for that individual providing the women is being pleased in the manner she expects. I don't quite understand orgasm denial just for the sake of denying one's orgasm. I would imagine the point of controlling the orgasm is to have a more subservient and pleasing
I believe there needs to be many more detailed, face-to-face interviews with actual couples in order to determine what the actual practices in this area really are. Couples given a guarantee of anonymity may be willing to give such interviews. Otherwise, I agree with the Jan 30 Guest posting "How to [sic] we know we can believe what we read online?" Considering the detailed sex guides that one can buy from most reputable book vendors, I am surprised that a book has not been published about common sexual practices in an FLR that uses interviews of actual couples as its main source of information.
Guest the sex practices of couples in FLR will be like couples everywhere, it is only when the ideas drop off towards femdom fantasy that things change much. Women, by this sites polls, are 67% as kinky as men, men write most of the femdom sex stuff and pros write most of the rest. This is one of the reasons this site is so valuable, because we are studying things together openly. Lastly, chastity is a fairly new idea for couples, the experiment is on and we shall see where it goes.
After all my experiences with women and girls who were mostly dominant the topic of sex is quite easy for them: First of all it is their turn and when they are tired the man can do what he wants. And after my opinion and experience those women prefer oral sex to anything else. About chastity none of all the girls and ladies were only wasting a single thought. As long I was ready at any time or their needs they were content. So it seems to me that for dominant women regular sex is not very important. Only from time to time it happened. But they gave a real damn how I managed such a situation. Sometimes it is frustrating but women of this type prefer to take what they like. I think chastity is rather a male fantasy than a female one.
My wife and I came upon this type of relationship more organically and did not even realize it was a thing. When we were first exploring sex with each other, I was very frustrated because she had major trust issues from previous abusive relationships and told me she just did not enjoy sex. After really searching my heart, I decided to give up all control of our sex life. This evolved into her owning my penis. It was hers. I had to ask permission to use it in any way at all, with her or by myself. And she got to tell me when to orgasm. She wasn't practicing orgasm denial and I wasn't practicing chastity, nor do I want to. It's all about trusting her and giving her total control. The change was amazing. She blossomed into a a much more sexual person and a much more confident lover, and a great pressure of me trying to decide if I am pushing her into doing something she doesn't want is totally gone.
This evolved into her owning my penis. It was hers. I had to ask permission to use it in any way at all, with her or by myself. Really? How did this work out for you when you had to unirinate and she was not around?
Guest Guest you should be ashamed of yourself for commenting so sarcastically cruel to Chowder's post. You need to remember it is not for any of us to judge another's lifestyle or experiences. The benefit of the postings is for us to learn from ea other. The technique used by Chowder to aid in his wife's learning to trust after being sexually abused is a technique that has been recommended by psychologists to couples who have had to overcome sexually traumatic situations. Chowder, thank you very much for having the courage to post your experience, thereby giving others the knowledge to look into possible solutions to their similar situation.
While reading some of these older posts I had an aha moment towards my sub. He is not unique in his desires and I don't have to do anything he is fantasizing about. He wanted this type of life, he is pushing it so then he gets from me what he gets. My fear is failure towards this lifestyle and that he will go searching outside of our marriage again if I don't understand what it is exactly that he wants.
AlphaWife One really good idea is to get him off guard and ask him to tell all of what he dreams of, what his fantasy is. Do this by seduction (tease his private parts and backside), make him completely helpless in bondage (no possible escape) and blindfold him then get to the bottom. It make take several sessions. Then you will know and get what ever confidence to make a decision you need. His confession is good for your soul.
I have been married to my childhood sweet heart over 40 years. My wife is old school. She fixes the meals, has dinner on the table when I come home. Does all the house work. Cooking for holidays for everyone. Plus has a stressful job. I have been looking for a way to improve our sex life & marriage. We had been fussing at each other more often. I read about FLR by accident and something clicked. I downloaded a couple of books. I tried talking to my wife about it but she did not understand. I started cleaning up & doing all the chores. I tried to tell her "SHE " was in charge. Everyday I would do all the house chores & make her life easier. I told her I wanted her to control my orgasms. Said it would make me want to court her again. She started to come around. I knew she liked it when she called me back to the bedroom & had me remake the bed. All during this time I was explaining to her about FLR to bring back the romance & love to the marriage. The final test was Christmas. Christmas eve & Christmas I spent all day with her in the kitchen. We talked as she cooked & I washed dishes & helped her anyway she asked. I use to watch TV & wait to eat then watch TV some more. When the kids came over my daughter wondered why I was in the kitchen helping out. Wanted to know if Mom was dying? My wife said these last few weeks have meant so much to her. My wife called me from work & asked if she could have a puppy. I told her honey listen to me, I love you asking me but you are in charge & have final say. So you decide if you want one not me, I will support any decision you make. She told me later that meant so much to her. It has been 9 days since she has allowed my to orgasm. Every second is worth it. We cuddle ever night. I LISTEN as she is talking. She corrects me & I love it. She uses tease to keep me hot everyday. I feel like we are dating again. She actually said the new me makes her want to have sex with me. What is sad is we did not know about this 40 years. ago.