Discussing Issues in Female Led Relationships
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There is a lot of reading on-line about men who are denied orgasm becoming sweeter, more attentive and eager to please. There are a couple of studies, surveys and many people life experience to read from. The result come when a man is at a peak or in the plateau of maximum level of sex hormones in his blood stream. There are two ways for men to not have orgasm. 1. voluntary abstinence with orgasm denial and 2. male chastity. The benefit is reported to happen at about 7 days and reaches its plateau level by 12 about days. This information is motivational material for both men and women when they want him to spend more time and effort on her wishes and desires. The effect is enhanced some by her either asking him to please her sexually while denying himself orgasm or by stimulating him sexually (teasing) and not allowing him to participate in sex at all with you. Most men are not very good at the abstinence method and continue to masturbate so what is left is male chastity with a locked chastity device.
Admin How to we know we can believe what we read online? Anyone can say anything. I suppose we just need to experiment safely.
FLR men want to go from the attitude of having their woman as the "object" of their desire - the woman who is going to be there for their sexual release to his becoming the object of his woman's pleasure who she looks to for her sexual pleasure when she is pleased to do so. It required a change in self image for men. Many man are so goal oriented - they want to climax and foreplay/sex is just a vehicle for that. Their body and training tells them to seek that. Some men want to change that behavior to become dream lovers for their women. A man who is doing everything possible to attract his women and to give her pleasure. This can be a true role reversal for a couple. Chastity alone is not enough, it takes deprogramming and retraining for any long term effectual change.
Timing men to your cycles, day 7-12 days are magic days for his attentiveness and he has a lot more energy. It is like when you first met and he put so much energy into attracting you. You can plan this for a weekend to get maximum benefits for you and your guy. If you want two weekends a month where he is really working to please you then allow him to climax once each 14 days. I time with on the opposite week of my period. It gives me about 10 days of his energy at a max. Another way is his release each 28 days timed to the week of your cycle giving you 21 days of his best energy to please. Men are aware of this and are asking. Try and experiment.
ArchAngel I never thought of that, nice tip
ArchAngel Moving closer to what women want and how they are designed is a great benefit to a relationship and it grows the relationship with respect and awareness on both sides. There is truth to how easily I am aroused a week before and how good sex is. I like my men clean with a well shaved face. Stubble irritates.
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The difference between his fantasy and your reality must cause issues. What are they and how do you deal with them?
The idea that my boyfriend wants a pretty extreme FLR is a turn off to me. The act of him even asking for this (outside of dominant/submissive sex play) leads me to seriously question who he is. He is making me feel bad for wanting us to find a different way to make changes to our relationship. How can we have the kind of relationship he wants, but not the extreme sex stuff and both be happy?
Think about this: If you are in control, he must accept what you are prepared to give him. A lot can be achieved with teasing and denial. But never anything against your will, otherwise he is still in control.
If a woman always has to dominate a partner, you can turn him into your little sex slave. You can tease his dick for hours, and just before he's about to cum, request that he rubs your dick over your clit until you cum. It is then your choice when to allow him to cum. Alternatively, take away the thing he loves the most in a woman - the curves of a woman, soft lips, pussy, and breasts. Rub him into a frenzy by masturbating to a climax, rubbing oil all over your body, while he's unable to touch you or masturbate. Make him explode without touch and you will easily stimulate his sexual mind to think exactly your way.
Males often have an idealized form of what the woman is going to 'to do him'. Too bad. A male needs to understand that his fantasy is just that a fantasy. His woman will decide what goes down. A woman in control of herself, her desires, and her male calls the shots. If a woman embraces her own naughty imagination it will often deeply benefit her submissive, but he has to wait for it. Males that top from the bottom or impatient with their woman need a solid and sound discipline. It is not a males place to ever be impatient with his woman.
"We are very much into experimentation and are currently working our way through the Kama Sutra. Our alone time is sacred to us and there would never be a consideration for scheduling something over that alone time. The kids are gone every other week, visiting with their bio-father, so we have the house to ourselves at that time, and wow! do we take advantage of the time" quoted from my interview
To get him more committed men take pleasure in your asking them for sex, sexy things and anytime they can be with you while you are changing your clothes, showering or being in the bathroom. Keep him aroused but don't allow him to climax even if he needs a chastity device to stop him. This first phase of your relation will result in him becoming the communicator you always wanted but you may not like what you learn, however you are in a position to make both your lives better for the long run.
It took a lot of trust for us to get to the level of comfort we have now. This was not just my fantasy, it was hers as well, but we reached a couple of points that made one or both of us squirm. I didn't like being spoken to like an idiot, any more than a woman does. She didn't like me acting helpless, any more than a man wants that from his wife (not this man, anyway.) We had to talk those things through. One thing that really worried her is being observed as "weird." We don't feel weird, but we're professional people and our careers intersect. We're careful to drop the "act" when we're with coworkers.
Seems like guys fall into two camps on this subject, the side that wants not to climax (control from woman or chastity) and the side that wants be a sex tool. Both sound fun but there is a problem. The satisfied man stays home while he who is not tends to stray, how to women in FLR handle that?
My GF and I naturally found ourselves in a FLR. She discovered that being able to control me physically and emotionally was key to her needs being satisfied. The information that is provide on the FLR website is amazingly on point, Punishment played a key role in her understanding the extent of her power and my insight into my vulnerabilities and how much I wanted to do to satisfy her needs. She had me by the balls literally and was very sensitive and supportive to give me the strength to accept some extreme punishment, if I past the test and obeyed I was rewards and if not my balls were hers to use and abuse, It was very effective. She trained me without eliminating the parts of me that she loved and I evolved into a total sub male sexually, emotionally and spiritually. When I gave up my balls i. e. all my power to her she was happy and I learned more about being a man. I owuld be curious to her from other females if they hae used this form of punishment and control and if it was successful.
There is something very arousing about the thought of a women controlling my orgasms. There is no question about that. However, I can see controlling one's orgasms but allowing for whatever normal release would be for that individual providing the women is being pleased in the manner she expects. I don't quite understand orgasm denial just for the sake of denying one's orgasm. I would imagine the point of controlling the orgasm is to have a more subservient and pleasing
I believe there needs to be many more detailed, face-to-face interviews with actual couples in order to determine what the actual practices in this area really are. Couples given a guarantee of anonymity may be willing to give such interviews. Otherwise, I agree with the Jan 30 Guest posting "How to [sic] we know we can believe what we read online?" Considering the detailed sex guides that one can buy from most reputable book vendors, I am surprised that a book has not been published about common sexual practices in an FLR that uses interviews of actual couples as its main source of information.
Guest the sex practices of couples in FLR will be like couples everywhere, it is only when the ideas drop off towards femdom fantasy that things change much. Women, by this sites polls, are 67% as kinky as men, men write most of the femdom sex stuff and pros write most of the rest. This is one of the reasons this site is so valuable, because we are studying things together openly. Lastly, chastity is a fairly new idea for couples, the experiment is on and we shall see where it goes.
After all my experiences with women and girls who were mostly dominant the topic of sex is quite easy for them: First of all it is their turn and when they are tired the man can do what he wants. And after my opinion and experience those women prefer oral sex to anything else. About chastity none of all the girls and ladies were only wasting a single thought. As long I was ready at any time or their needs they were content. So it seems to me that for dominant women regular sex is not very important. Only from time to time it happened. But they gave a real damn how I managed such a situation. Sometimes it is frustrating but women of this type prefer to take what they like. I think chastity is rather a male fantasy than a female one.
My wife and I came upon this type of relationship more organically and did not even realize it was a thing. When we were first exploring sex with each other, I was very frustrated because she had major trust issues from previous abusive relationships and told me she just did not enjoy sex. After really searching my heart, I decided to give up all control of our sex life. This evolved into her owning my penis. It was hers. I had to ask permission to use it in any way at all, with her or by myself. And she got to tell me when to orgasm. She wasn't practicing orgasm denial and I wasn't practicing chastity, nor do I want to. It's all about trusting her and giving her total control. The change was amazing. She blossomed into a a much more sexual person and a much more confident lover, and a great pressure of me trying to decide if I am pushing her into doing something she doesn't want is totally gone.
This evolved into her owning my penis. It was hers. I had to ask permission to use it in any way at all, with her or by myself. Really? How did this work out for you when you had to unirinate and she was not around?
Guest Guest you should be ashamed of yourself for commenting so sarcastically cruel to Chowder's post. You need to remember it is not for any of us to judge another's lifestyle or experiences. The benefit of the postings is for us to learn from ea other. The technique used by Chowder to aid in his wife's learning to trust after being sexually abused is a technique that has been recommended by psychologists to couples who have had to overcome sexually traumatic situations. Chowder, thank you very much for having the courage to post your experience, thereby giving others the knowledge to look into possible solutions to their similar situation.
While reading some of these older posts I had an aha moment towards my sub. He is not unique in his desires and I don't have to do anything he is fantasizing about. He wanted this type of life, he is pushing it so then he gets from me what he gets. My fear is failure towards this lifestyle and that he will go searching outside of our marriage again if I don't understand what it is exactly that he wants.
AlphaWife One really good idea is to get him off guard and ask him to tell all of what he dreams of, what his fantasy is. Do this by seduction (tease his private parts and backside), make him completely helpless in bondage (no possible escape) and blindfold him then get to the bottom. It make take several sessions. Then you will know and get what ever confidence to make a decision you need. His confession is good for your soul.
I have been married to my childhood sweet heart over 40 years. My wife is old school. She fixes the meals, has dinner on the table when I come home. Does all the house work. Cooking for holidays for everyone. Plus has a stressful job. I have been looking for a way to improve our sex life & marriage. We had been fussing at each other more often. I read about FLR by accident and something clicked. I downloaded a couple of books. I tried talking to my wife about it but she did not understand. I started cleaning up & doing all the chores. I tried to tell her "SHE " was in charge. Everyday I would do all the house chores & make her life easier. I told her I wanted her to control my orgasms. Said it would make me want to court her again. She started to come around. I knew she liked it when she called me back to the bedroom & had me remake the bed. All during this time I was explaining to her about FLR to bring back the romance & love to the marriage. The final test was Christmas. Christmas eve & Christmas I spent all day with her in the kitchen. We talked as she cooked & I washed dishes & helped her anyway she asked. I use to watch TV & wait to eat then watch TV some more. When the kids came over my daughter wondered why I was in the kitchen helping out. Wanted to know if Mom was dying? My wife said these last few weeks have meant so much to her. My wife called me from work & asked if she could have a puppy. I told her honey listen to me, I love you asking me but you are in charge & have final say. So you decide if you want one not me, I will support any decision you make. She told me later that meant so much to her. It has been 9 days since she has allowed my to orgasm. Every second is worth it. We cuddle ever night. I LISTEN as she is talking. She corrects me & I love it. She uses tease to keep me hot everyday. I feel like we are dating again. She actually said the new me makes her want to have sex with me. What is sad is we did not know about this 40 years. ago.
I believe the primary aim, goal, and purpose for all sexual activity should be the woman's amusement, pleasure, enjoyment, and satisfaction. I believe the sexual gratification of the male should be of only secondary importance, or of no concern at all, depending purely upon the woman's mood or whim, and whether or not she chooses to grant him sexual release.
Sksdomwife how is this a problem or solution of FLR sex?
Guys describe how you being locked up in chastity makes sex better for your mate.
Gwen the waiting gives highten awareness to wife's needs. On my second day in chastity I already have started my psychological change to please my wife in anyway possible. Sex for her is mostly orall as I usually am kept in chastity for weeks. I know that if I don't perform to her standards there are consequences I will face. It is my duty to pleasure her the best I can. After time in chastity you receive pleasure knowing that you pleased your wife the best ways possible. I do get reviews from her every week. I sometimes do get rewarded after week in chastity perhaps an orgasm if she was highly pleased.
Men who want chastity my find themselves less able to satisfy a woman with their penis (premature issues) because men who have sex more often last longer in my experience. So one solution is to have the man use a double condom and before wearing the condom put some numbing cream on and around the head - give it a try and tell me what you think.
GingerSnap I will ask my wife to give this a try. I'm in chastity most the time. She likes me to use my strap on when she wants peat ration because of my premature issues.Thank you for the advice
GingerSnap I asked my wife if she would like to to try your idea with the condoms and numbing cream and she agreed to try this instead of my strap on. It did seem to please her for a climax as I was totally num. My wife tells me on my next release we will try this again. Thank you again for the advice.
I'm very new here, and I hope I'm posting this in the right place. My wife and I have experimented with FLR for a few years. We are deep into it right now, and I had a bit of an "accident" last night and I'm seeking advice. My wife had forbidden me to orgasm, and after a session of some spanking, and orally pleasing her, she wanted to tease me by letting me inside her. Well, with all the excitement, I couldn't control myself and came without permission. I feel terrible about it. Does this happen to anyone else? Any suggestions on how I can make this up to her? Thank you in advance.
Eddiet29 the less sex you have the faster you will climax because like all things sex takes practice. The more a man climaxes the longer he will last. If she is in-charge of sex then she should know that and there is noting to make-up. Use a doubled condom and numbing cream is she wants penetration or a strap on.
My husband came to me with this flr thing , i am so teribly confused in my head about sex already , then i had a c section months ago with our first child , it was very hard on me it still is :,( We havent had sex in months because my c section freaks me out and grosses me out . We have been fighting lots and its made me become more submisive to him because i just dont want to fight . Now he wants flr type relationship and i agree im sure it will make us so much better . He used to be so nice such a sweetheart to me and he wants to be like that again , he makes my heart melt telling me all this and i really want this to happen again because we have been on the verge of divorce for a while . Any tips on how to make the switch back in my head to where i need to be . So that i can ejoy sex again and be a leader in our marriage?
Guest keep your clothes on, at least the upper half; make him do all the work, get him in chastity so he does not cheat on your rules; he likely masturbates so get him to confess and forsake; make him prove he wants to serve you and is willing to obey; have him woo you like he did when you met. Reward him for good behavior with sex.
Ann1000Days hi Ann , i cannot use sex as a reward because i cant have any right now because im still having flashbacks of my c section still have panik attacks about it , its gotten wrose lately im not sure why because i thought i was fine and other than muscle tenderness i thought i was ok while having sex with my husband , just more in the last few months i havent been able to even have a conversation about it... My question was more about how do i change the way i think so i can be the boss in our relationship instead of felling like i was being submissive and trying to be the good wife because we were fighting too much
Guest Leadership is an act of the will as is following. I suggest you sit down with him over coffee/tea and discuss what you want control of and what he wants you to control. Because of the stress in your relationship you need him to prove his desire to serve you by obeying you by not arguing - you want to "trust" him again a little at a time, He wants to serve you and obey you but you need to talk about why? - find out what his fantasy is and get him to stop looking at porn and stop masturbating in secret. Challenge him to get into a chastity device and as for sex, use supervised masturbation when you do not want to participate - (BTW it will help to get anti-anxiety drugs from your doctor to keep your calm). Make a ground rule that for every argument you both have he stays in chastity for a week and for every week free of arguments where he is obeying you to your satisfaction he gets to climax while you watch. Only all climaxes are with him naked on his hands and knees. It is the kind of message he is looking for from you. Allow him to apologize for any argument by kneeling and bowing and begging forgiveness. Have a hand signal where you raise your hand to signify you believe he is arguing and he is being warned to stop/ton it down to a discussion. The hand signal means you are about to punish him and you are helping him recognize what he is doing. You deserve to be happy, you deserve his service, you deserve his obedience. He deserves to be happy and will be MUCH happier in harmony with you. If he wants your participation in FLR then he must make sure you are getting what you want. To keep his attention have him do house work naked wearing just his chastity device, have him bow to you, rub and kiss your feet and address you as "my love," "yes my love" when he hears your command. For punishment use 10 whacks with a belt and take your aggression out on his ass (that will make him feel better about serving and end the arguments. But do not do anything until you get him to write a contract he intends to follow and you agree to. That piece of paper will be your permission and agreement and take it out of kink to real life changing action. A marriage of harmony where both of you are at peace.