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Punishment: The application of an aversive stimulus following a response in an effort to decrease the likelihood that the responses will recur.* although, some things considered aversive, like spankings, can become reinforcing. A classic example is a child misbehaving and the teacher punishes, but over time due to the reinforcing efforts, this pattern increases because of the reinforcing effects of attention.

*When women punish men in a FLR, it is about control. Even if control is "not putting out" it is still leverage and keeps the power with the female. The punisher is showing who is in authority. If couples go as far as punishing, by actually bringing punishment to fruition, it is another example of who is in control of the relationship.

Before entering this phase of the relationship, as a couple, be sure to discuss the forms of punishment.

If the male wants punishment it comes from his fantasy and being submissive. He wants a leader and wants her to express her power and authority over him. He needs to be reminded who is in control.

The female will punish him to remind him who is in control and give him attention. Even negative attention is still attention. And she needs to reaffirm her control in the relationship.

Punishment should not change the relationship if the terms/agreements are worked out in advance. The couple should identify what types of punishment are and are not acceptable to both. Such as, verbal, physical, types of physical and a time frame (we are still adults). However, punishment is used to change a behavior, and if behavior change is necessary then the punishment will be effective if that is the goal of the couple.

Punishment: The application of an aversive stimulus following a response in an effort to decrease the likelihood that the responses will recur.* although, some things considered aversive, like spankings, can become reinforcing. A classic example is a child misbehaving and the teacher punishes, but over time due to the reinforcing efforts, this pattern increases because of the reinforcing effects of attention.

*When women punish men in a FLR, it is about control. Even if control is "not putting out" it is still leverage and keeps the power with the female. The punisher is showing who is in authority. If couples go as far as punishing, by actually bringing punishment to fruition, it is another example of who is in control of the relationship.

Before entering this phase of the relationship, as a couple, be sure to discuss the forms of punishment. If the male wants punishment it comes from his fantasy and being submissive. He wants a leader and wants her to express her power and authority over him. He needs to be reminded who is in control.

The female will punish him to remind him who is in control and give him attention. Even negative attention is still attention. And she needs to reaffirm her control in the relationship.

Punishment should not change the relationship if the terms/agreements are worked out in advance. The couple should identify what types of punishment are and are not acceptable to both. Such as, verbal, physical, types of physical and a time frame (we are still adults). However, punishment is used to change a behavior, and if behavior change is necessary then the punishment will be effective if that is the goal of the couple.
Author: Laura 2011-02-21 13:30:53    [reply]

What our users say

A wiseman once told me that EVERYONE has something worth listening too and when you listen enough you will get smarter. We value the ideas and opinions of our readers on the topic of "The psychology of punishment - Issues in female led relationships. "True genius resides in the capacity for evaluation of uncertain, hazardous, and conflicting information." Winston Churchill (British Orator, Author and Prime Minister during World War II. 1874-1965)

The greater punishes the lessor, like a parent their child. It shows an interest in the greater helping the lessor to survive, it also shows anger is okay. For him to ask it - he is crying for your help.
Author: Admin 2010-12-10 17:31:56    [reply]
admin
I'd like it because it is quick and sure then it is over, unlike the silent treatment, rejection or hurt feelings which seem to last. No psychology just reasons.

Reply by: Ben 2010-12-29 17:14:02    [reply]
Ben This is a great notion. It puts firm boundaries about an event that can otherwise fester.
Reply by: Chris68 2011-08-24 11:53:05    
Admin I rather like the psychology behind punishment, where positive reinforcement is lavished on good behavior and negative or general punishment is applied to undesirable behavior. Where the behavior is being punished not the person. It is personal as in life changing because this kind of approach makes better people.
Reply by: Prickly Pear 2011-01-31 19:38:55    [reply]
Admin I'm curious about the reaction of the founders of this site to today's pilot launch of the DreamLover 2000 (http://www.dreamloverlabs.com). This is a device that attaches to a male chastity device and delivers remote-controlled electric pulses in selectable strengths to the genitals. Their site has numerous articles on training, and they view their device as a means of achieving rapid training and compliance. It is clearly suited only for Level 4.
Reply by: Nerd 2011-03-08 10:16:13    [reply]
Nerd I'd love to watch a training session - that would be fun. My view is they are going to be in court very soon when someone uses their product in a way they did not intend. They picked one part of the human body most likely to get sued for. I like the idea but will women actually do it? They must be female supremacists. Will it injure men? We are a litigious society. I agree that level 4 and off the chart level 5 might be the only use. Thanks for the tip.
Reply by: Admin 2011-03-08 14:22:17    
Admin If you drill down into their site there are numerous legal disclaimers and a lot of safety warnings. There are a lot of modes and combination button presses that do different things. The most important safety warning is for the woman at the remote control to learn how to turn the thing off. Women who use this don't need to be female supremacists, but they would certainly want to be in complete control. You may want to look at their "training theory" page and its articles.
Reply by: Nerd 2011-03-08 17:04:22    
Nerd To your point, I read and analyzed the entire site are part of the research for this site. They are definitely supremacists, hands down without doubt. Thanks for the notes about the warnings but it is widely known that no matter how good the warnings companies can be held liable to harm when their product harms someone no matter how it was intended to be used. It is a tantalizing idea. We shall see how it works. It is definitely outside my world view for FLR and falls outside my realm of thought. It has no place in my life.
Reply by: Admin 2011-03-08 18:01:50    
I'm just now kind of exploring this topic, and I have been trying to figure out what the point of wanting to be punished is. I can really see how punishment is less damaging than getting the silent treatment or long drawn out arguments that carry over for days and days.
Author: Sam77 2011-01-01 15:28:40    [reply]
My husband and I have been reading all the information we can find about FLR. We've decided to just go for it and get started. So far things have been working out pretty well and we are both happy with the way things are working. I agree that punishment is better than the silent treatment. Before, I would just want to get back at him when he made me mad but I felt like I couldn't physically hurt him. Now I do, and when it is finished he is aroused (which is good for me) and I feel like I have a little justice and that he actually listened to what I had to say.
Author: JustWondering 2011-01-01 15:35:40    [reply]
JustWondering thats interesting, sounds like a win win. i wish more women would see the benefits of flr.
Reply by: Friend 2013-08-07 04:13:51    [reply]
Punishment, esp. spanking, is very sexy and arousing. When a person is sexually aroused, they can absorb a lot of corporal punishment which may be perceived as stimulation, rather than pain. And even pain can be erotic in the appropriate context. Pain as well as pleasure are powerful motivators and the two together are incredibly powerful psychologically. The prolonged silent treatment is very destructive to a relationship.
Author: Taxpro007 2012-01-30 20:34:42    [reply]
Taxpro007 Stimulating a man to get him to make a change is the does not make sense. Physical punishment is a poor motivator unless you want a whimpering slave. This man needs motivation and a better sense of direction. Erotic pain is not a good tool for any type of change in a person.
Reply by: Guest 2012-01-31 05:39:07    [reply]
Guest I could not disagree more. Pain, or erotic pain as you call it, can be a GREAT tool for change if used correctly. I used pain, or the threat of pain to lose 80 lbs and get in shape. I used a camcorder to video my daily workouts and weighed once a week. If I missed a workouts (2 per day) or missed my weekly scheduled weight, I was restrained to a table and got my bare behind whipped way beyond what I could handle. I got one whipping and never missed another workout in a year. It might not work for everyone but it certainly worked for me.
Reply by: Guest 2013-12-15 22:45:00    
Life is full of boundaries. Punishment helps to define the boundaries in a FLR. It is very important if it truly is punishment and not discipline; to make the punishment something the other really dreads. When the other understands there is no reward by eliciting negative attention, the boundaries are then obvious and easier to identify.
Author: Susieq 2012-05-15 15:45:14    [reply]
Maybe to some extent because I am a man, I like direction and knowing what I've done wrong, taking the punishment and getting on to better behavior. I like it when a woman sets boundaries and tells me the consequences for crossing them. I think getting phjysical punishment is easiest to take because its over quickly. Sexual abstainance and other punishments are alot harder but a pretty good deterent.
Author: Lawrence_2 2012-05-21 20:25:58    [reply]
I wonder why some men test the boundaries of their wife like myself to gain a stronger reaction or even a more severe punishment?
Author: Handsandknees 2012-09-15 07:13:48    [reply]
Punishment enhances communication. The woman will tell the man why she feels punishment is necessary and he gets the opportunity to reflect why he acted the way he did and how to resolve it in future. It can help her to confide in her feelings and how to express them. "I feel hurt by you" carries a much lesser weight, sounds defensive and weak. "I feel hurt by you and you will be punished for it" creates a situation, where the man has to stand up for himself. Often after a punishment we experience a phase of reconcilliation, when partners allow vulnerability. Punishment has reestablished justice and we can talk without feeling ashamed or hurt.
Author: Buntekuh 2013-01-29 02:27:13    [reply]
Buntekuh ""I feel hurt by you and you will be punished for it" means "I feel hurt by you and I will hurt you," i.e., it's revenge. Doesn't seem like a great basis for a relationship that the woman resolves hurt feelings through physical violence against someone she "loves."
Reply by: Guest 2016-09-05 23:33:11    [reply]
My wife has effected positive change in my attitude and behavior for years by means of corporal punishment. This is not about anger or venting, however. Lisa is a very articulate and centered lady, always calming herself in a difficult situation before telling me that I am to be punished. Then her reasons are made clear before she administers discipline. This approach makes it easier for me to accept. And the lessons imparted are thus more durable. - edited by staff [reason: we want women to tell us about this not men]
Author: EddieT 2013-05-27 19:48:24    [reply]
Psychology or not, my wife cannot bring herself to punish me. She still will do things that I forget to do but then again she really does not want me intruding on her space which was running the house. I can understand that because I have been given interns at times and did not want to give them the tasks that I was used to doing so I would make up things for them or give them busy work. So for us, we have not worked out the punishment part or even if there will be punishment. Maybe this is because our FLR is not about sex where the man will purposely mess up so that he can live his D/S fantasy. If I know I messed up I automatically try to correct that bad behavior without being asked or punished I am not a child who needs to be spanked when I do wrong. I have willing given my wife the leadership of our relationship and if I want to renege on that, we go back to the way things were which is not what I want. I say gave the leadership to my wife because that is what I did. She is an old fashioned woman who was brought up with a strict father and submissive mother and was taught to always please the man. My wife would not accept leadership on her own. I had to tell her that is what would please me and explain why. Once she viewed it as something that will please me, she accepted the Olympic torch of leadership from me. I am not a horny young man looking to believe my wife all of a sudden started dominating me and punishing me when I did not obey her. That is fantasy and role playing and what we have is a real marriage to work within with lots of mundane things that need to be done that have nothing to do with sex or submission. I was head of household for many years and my wife easily accepted that so the only way to get her to embrace a FLR was to 'give' her the position I formally held because it would please me if she accepted. Whatever works.
Author: Guest 2013-11-10 16:42:42    [reply]
I have found that in a past relationship the following...that my partner would do things wrong to be spanked because he found it erotic and extremely stimulating. With that he has purposely looked for ways to misbehave in order to get "punished". I quickly caught on then applied other methods like psychological/emotional punishments. Like for instance, he did not clean the bathroom properly, so had him sit on the floor of the bathroom that he did not clean. I found it to be more effective than spankings. We then just incorporated spankings to the bedroom, which for both can be fun. It actually all depends upon the partner. Each personality has different motivators and simulators for that matter.
Author: MissLeFay 2014-01-10 23:42:29    [reply]
I am quite interested in this discussion, as my wife and I slowly begin our journey into a more FLR we have recently been thinking about agreements and of course talking about what "punishment" would actually entail. As far as corporal punishment, I don't see how this would really work as a deterrent. If I personally get turned on by for example her spanking me and it is decided that spanking was to be a form of punishment I can already see that I would be spending time purposelessly breaking our agreement so I could get my own sexual satisfaction from the punishment. Therefore, at least in our case. I think that any spanking kind of punishment would actually lead to much more annoying behaviour by me for her and less harmony and good relations as there are currently with me agreeing to let her decision be the final one in various aspects of our life.
Author: Chrisg001 2015-03-06 06:34:03    [reply]
Chrisg001 Every relationship has its punishments such as the cold shoulder or arguments - the real issue is how to make punishments both corrective and resolute without going over to the darkside. The cold shoulder and arguing do neither and are destructive. The erotic side of punishment need not be a deterrent to men or women because emotions are more complex and underneath the eroticism is a strong desire by a man for the focused attention on him by the woman he trusts to help him. Some men find it desirable/needful for their mate to help them change and wonder their mates do not just jump in - after all this is the idea behind a good relationship is it not? One partner is weak in some area and the other partner helps; even if they are both weak. So this all starts with a frank and candid discussion about punishment and why you want it; how it will affect your relationship and how it will become corrective and resolute while you both build a stronger more peaceful relationship together without the cold shoulder or arguments which is nothing more than immature communication skills.
Reply by: Prickly Pear 2015-03-06 11:39:46    [reply]
Prickly Pear I completely agree with you about when someone in the couple gives the other the cold shoulder or unproductive arguments carry on and both parties only get more upset or annoyed. I, as most most people have experienced these in my marriage. The cold shoulder approach is in my mind the worst, as often the other party may not even be completely aware of what they have done and so on. This is an area that we are still working out the best methods for, I was interested I guess in how corporal punishment can be effective if the man actually enjoys and desires it. Thanks for your reply, Chris
Reply by: Chrisg001 2015-03-06 19:39:55    
My only thoughts on punishment is that should be agreed to by both parties, and if so, it should be consistent and actual. There is no quicker way to lose respect of the one in control than to find she says one thing and then ignores her own words.
Author: JustTerri 2015-11-11 02:55:52    [reply]
I don't believe punishment is an effective means of controlling behavior in any context. It tends to traumatize, foster resentment, or simply do nothing.
Author: Chuck 2016-03-29 21:11:41    [reply]
Chuck that is one school of thought - an other is burn your hand and you likely won`t do it again - so pain/consequence is the teacher - there are people who cannot be punished because they are fragile emotionally - but the biggest resentment I have experienced from listening to women who punish their husbands is "having to do it at all"
Reply by: Ann1000Days 2016-03-30 13:48:36    [reply]
Knowing a FLR W[woman is not afraid of exercising her right to punish, is a very powerful tool in itself. There is a huge difference between the male masochist[mate] enjoying it and the male [who is] submissive [having become] ashamed of having burdened his Mistress [leader|wife|mate|girl friend] with the task of carrying it out. The male will remember his wrong doing every time he sits down for a few days. This provides him with focus on his wrong doing and enforces the fact he is owned[living under an agreement. - edited by staff [reason: femdom jargon and poor ideas - Tom38795 change your thinking, this is not a femdom fantasy site]
Author: Tom38795 2017-04-27 12:52:21    [reply]
Discipline versus erotic spanking: In a posting in the Disciplinary Wives Club, a writer states that when she decides it is time for her husband to have a disciplinary spanking, she will have him masturbate before the spanking. This assures that the spanking is punishment and not fun and games for him. In various postings I have read that men/husbands respond to spankings with erections. I think this is the obvious tell that the spanking is not being perceived as punishment and a strong indication that the he is topping from the bottom. So, just understand that if you are spanking for fun it is fine, but if you are spanking for punishment you might want to evaluate your methods.
Author: Herfrogman 2017-11-28 09:14:29    [reply]
Herfrogman This website does not promote any kind of kink such as "erotic spanking" but this is a good segway to discuss control and punishment verses motivation. Where punishment should be motivating him to create change; the threat of punishment should be motivating him to modify behavior in the same way a speeding ticket keeps your speed down. The BEST CASE is to help him with his motivation and not need to punish by understanding how he thinks, keeping him focused on the prize of a harmonious relationship, a high quality of life and the love, respect and affection of his mate. BTW the notion masturbation helps before punishment is just bad psychology. Joining the idea of climax to punishment send an entirely wrong message to both punisher and punishee (hopefully spelled that right?). Punishment should be severe deterrent because speeding tickets don`t stop speeding unless a cop is looking and women don`t want to be cops to their mates. Grow up guys and get behind your mate and let's use punishment as the last resort where everything less is a teaching moment that promotes intimate communication between mates. FLR "R" means relationship. Punishment is punishment and is a last resort.
Reply by: Ann1000Days 2017-11-28 13:44:18    [reply]
Ann1000Days Yes! You are correct. I did not mean to suggest that erotic spanking should be practiced. I only mentioned it for the sake of discussion... The heading for this thread is "The phycology of punishment." Whether we agree or not, there are folks out there that are into it for pleasure. I think the point the author of the "Masturbation before" punishment was that it would remove any pleasure that could come from the punishment... Usually after a male has an organism he is only interested in rolling over and going to sleep.
Reply by: Herfrogman 2017-11-28 14:29:05    

 

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