Accident of circumstances. What do I do?

[Bill]

I grew up in secluded circumstances with an extremely withdrawn father and a mother who more or less went along with him. I learned that friendships wouldn’t be possible and dove into books instead. When it came time to normally leave home to make a life for myself, I had nowhere to go and knew better than to try running away. Christians helped me to leave home, putting me up for free for nine months until I could get a job and live on my own.
Before leaving home, I had given up on the socialization process as no longer relevant, and in fact saw the damage it had done to make me clinically insane. When Christians helped me to leave home,they tried to get me to socialize–to mingle in group settings. I was repulsed by the arbitrariness and artificiality of it. I reacted to their talk around me as being akin to white noise. I only saw years later that that was because they were talking in the context of social collectives, and I have established for myself that there is a clear dividing line between those who favor group protection (the majority) and those who favor self-protection (the decided minority). I have come to believe that many diagnosed as high-functioning autistic people (such as Asperger’s Syndrome) behave and think a lot like me, and I wouldn’t really blame them for not coming to terms with their simply favoring self-protection over group-protection.
But where the rubber meets the road, there seem to be nearly insurmountable difficulties in both the relationship arena and work arena. I had behind-the-scenes jobs all my life in Oregon, probably because employers understood that I had difficulties assimilating with others. That arrangement only changed five years ago when I was exposed to jobs that involved more than just work. I have no use for such jobs, because work is the highest priority and foundation of all else, to my way of thinking.
But what about relationships? If I have trouble with work, dating is all but impossible, in my belief now, for the simple reason that it requires socializing in a collective context, which is foreign to me. On top of that, between work and relationships, I’m thrust into a twilight zone with a much higher degree of vulnerability than I would think characterizes men, at least, in a social/societal context. So I gravitate very much to women who are strong, responsible and have a sense of authority. I dont know what else to do but seek women like that out.
ARE THERE ANY WOMEN WHO CAN UNDERSTAND ME AND WANT TO LEAD IN A RELATIONSHIP?

[sMendes]

Hi. Your story though. Mail me let’s chat. pedsusan101@gmail.com

[Bill]

Hi. I’m Bill
What I wrote was honest and true and accurate as I could make it.
I can testify that, first, it IS in fact possible to be so ensconced in the private world of family, and to be there so long after school is over that the socialization process becomes meaningless, and since nature abhors a vacuum, centering on self is selected for a foundation instead.
Second, after grappling with this directly for five years (I wasnt faced with this as a problem earlier in my life in Oregon, because employers knew I was different, and gave me jobs accordingly, which, changing location five years ago, I understood to be the equivalent of charity work by employers, and that many or most jobs require more than just work, which I have no use for whatsoever. I was thrown out of the Superdome for working one day, and quit thereafter (this happened because they wanted to control their employees, and have them stand in front of their assigned restrooms (Housekeeping) and do nothing if there was nothing to do in the restroom. I knew better than that, and understood what I heard through the grapevine to be just the nonsense of a supervisor, until one of the heads of Housekeeping actually confronted me about it, and left me with only one choice–to keep working, because I knew better. Which got me thrown out. This was December 2020.)
Anyway, the second thing I wanted to say was that, after another two and a half years, I accepted that what’s important is that if we throw our lot in with society, or go our own way, we either are going to abuse others or neglect them, so neither choice is viable–only integration of individual and collective functioning.
I was helped to leave home by Christians, who put me up for free for nine months until I could get a job and live on my own. Those around me spoke perfectly good english, but much of it was like white noise to time–i understand that this was because they were functioning in collective mode, rather than individual mode. The Christians tried to socialize me, but I was only repelled by the arbitrariness and artificiality of what they were doing. To this day, I dont go along with how they or anyone else in society employ “social skills” to create and develop relationships. I dont date for the same reason. Relationships are based on the ground beneath our feet, NOT on the basis of talk. That’s backwards, even though it’s necessary for those in society.
Does this make sense?

[Bill]

To be complete, I have to add that if I dont socialize in the common way because it’s arbitrary and artificial, and not grounded, that has massive ramifications in the pursuit of a job and a social life, both. Being in that position, I cant help feeling like I’m socially ostracized, and in general, it leaves me with a strong sense of vulnerability, and an inability to make decisions that matter. I’m basically asking to be adopted and have decisions made for me and to be kept safe, and that to me is with a strong and responsible woman who has a sense of authority. I also think that not being able to participate in the outside world means that I’m not able to be a full adult, which requires being immersed in the world of people. I come across as looking and sounding like everyone else, but it would be easy to see that I’m more dependent than independent. Can someone help me?

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