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In [this article][https://theconversation.com/who-wears-the-pants-in-a-relationship-matters-especially-if-youre-a-woman-74401] by Laina Bay-Cheng, associate professor of social work at the University at Buffalo, we learn that «Who wears the pants in a relationship matters – especially if you’re a woman».
Even if the methodology of the research is not perfect (methodologies are never perfect!), it offers some very interesting perspectives on couples’ power dynamics. In particular, it found that when women feel subordinate to a male partner, they perceive the relationship as less stable and less intimate (and vice-versa). However, for men, it does not seem to matter. Men feel relationships just as stable and intimate, whether they are dominant, equal or subordinate to their female partners.
Why are the stakes and challenges of power imbalances lower for men than women? Laina Bay-Cheng explain that it is, in part, because «Relationships don’t happen in a social vacuum. A man may have less power than his girlfriend or wife, but in the world beyond their relationship, he’s cushioned by a still-intact system of male privilege. […] For men, having less power in a relationship is an exception – and usually a benign one – to the rule.»
In contrast, Bay-Cheng also mentions that «For young women – especially those who are also racially or socioeconomically marginalized – relationships in which they have less power are just yet another domain […] in which they need to guard against sexism in all its forms. Endless battling for equality and defending against mistreatment is exhausting. And for women, it does not make for warm, harmonious relationships.»
What do you think about these conclusions? Do you believe that FLR brings more stability and intimacy to relationships? Is FLR, for you, a way to give more control to a woman in this particular domain and bring some small equilibrium as compared with the imbalance in society in general? In particular, if you are a women, is improving the stability and intimacy of your relationship a reason that you are seeking FLR?
Looking forward to hearing your point of view! 🙂
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Dear MlleSadie, and thanks for an interesting topic. I am a man but still hope it is ok for me to comment ?
I definitely feel that when the Woman is the one who has the power in a relationship, AND uses her power to guide and instruct, such a FLR opens up for intimacy and stability. I am given limits and disciplined, and that my submissiveness is a basic condition for the relationship, makes me open up – I don’t have to keep my lust to submit inside me.
I have experienced this in two longer FLR as lover to married women, and now want to live this full time 24/7/365 – what is important to me is not to have to lock anything up inside me.But this is also based on my deep belief that Women are far more complex than males.
Johan-
Hi Johan,
Thank you for your reply. Of course you are welcome to comment! 🙂
If I understand correctly, you add nuances to the research findings; In your personal experience, it’s not only the woman who feels better stability and deeper intimacy when the power imbalance is in her favor, but also the man (at least into the context of an FLR)? This makes sense. For a submissive man, FLR offers the opportunity to open up with his partner and to feel fully understood and accepted (even loved?) … which is certainly conducive to a more intimate and stable relationship.
Having said that, I’m more interested by the female perspective here. May I ask you if, during your past FLR experiences, you felt that your female partners shared these feelings as well? Do you know if the search for better stability or more intimacy was one of their motivations to continue such a relationship?
Thanks again for sharing!
Mademoiselle Sadie
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Dear Mlle.Sadie !
Thanks for taking my comment seriously.
I don’t think I can really speak for the two Women who used me as lover and sex-slave, it never occured to me to ask. But they locked themselves in to me whenever they felt the urge and could steal away from husbands and family. It was not a 24/7 where they could enjoy weeks of relaxing with me around as servant. I always had to be available to accommodate them without notice, and I was not supposed to have other people in my home. I did feel this to make life actually simpler for me, and it seldom frustrated me not to be allowed to meet others socially. But then also I am not very rebellious, and they did disciplining me.
Yours Johan -
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Hi @MlleSadie !
What Bay-Cheng said is interesting, I haven’t seen things like that
For me what brought stability of female-led relationships was that those kind of relationship requires a lot of trust, and emotional engagement : so there is a lot of communication, and both parts, the dominant and the submissive, feels very connected
But it’s interesting to also see the effect of social environment on the stability of relationships, it’s true women are less priviledge and favorised by actual society so being in charge might helps them to feel more stable, idk
Can I ask you what’s your opinion on this study ?
Alex
PS : Ohh une autre personne française sur ce site 🤭
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@Alex, you asked for my opinion on this study … I think the general conclusion make sense, even if it is “sad” to realize that the perceived stability/intimacy of a relationship varies depending on gender … and because of some other social inequality markers. It seems to be a big challenge for a woman and a man, involved in a relationship, to reach a common understanding of their own “objective” reality.
Otherwise, I am delighted that being in charge might help women to feel more stable. At the same time, I am puzzled by this. Is compensating for insecurities a good (healthy/ethical) motive to look for an FLR? In the end, I wonder how generalizable these results are to couples who willingly look for FLR (we must remember that this study is not specifically about FLR). As like you, my experience is that what brings stability to FLR is first and foremost trust, built on lots of communication, along with a deep emotional (and sexual) engagement.
PS : Ohh! 🤭
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Bonjour Mademoiselle Sadie,
Very interesting study. As a man in an FLR, I do feel very stable in this relationship. My wife is a very strong person and both of us didn’t have a long list of previous partners. My interpretation is that for our personality types, unless the relationship is an FLR then it might not work. Two alpha personalities aren’t going to mix well
Thanks
Mike -
It’s an interesting survey (NOT CLOSE to being scientific), but I don’t think the discussion or conclusion gets close to the real issue: men tend to have intrinsic sources of confidence and power (often to the annoyance of women, also often resting on an ego that is more brittle than he wants to believe), and women tend to have more extrinsic sources. (Disclaimer: these are generalities and NOT intended to be “true of everyone” statements.)
Women are far more attentive to social cues and are more influenced by what they think others think of them than men are. (There are whole genres of humor built on this fact.) If a woman is subordinate in a relationship, she wants a pretty constant stream of supportive feedback from her partner but is not very likely to get as much as she would like. If a man is subordinate, he’s more likely to “be fine” unless he gets negative feedback. I find this to be a simpler and more satisfying conclusion than what the article speculates.
Society is far more approving of male leadership in a relationship than female, thus sites like this where the lovely outcast few can gather and discuss. I’ll speculate that the women who choose to lead are less likely to be as buffeted by what others think as those who choose not to. It takes attention AND intention to create a successful FLR (particularly levels 3+) in a society that assumes male leadership. How can fighting together against norms NOT create a stronger and more confident partnership?
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I agree. My wife is very assertive and doesn’t care what others think. I used to be the other way and now her confidence has spread to me and I care less these days
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I wear the lingerie hosiery heels and dress in our marriage. My wife expects me to dress nice for her. I keep my body smooth shaved and perfumed for her. I prefer garter belts and stockings to pantyhose but will wear both proudly. A tightly laced corset is a special treat when my wife straight laces me for the day. All my heels are 4” or higher and I wear them all day.
Leighanne
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Sadie – I love it! Do you like the quote below? If so, email me – or, better yet, send me a google chat message:
adonismanservantondisplay@gmail.com“For all of human history, powerful and successful men have used their status and resources to attract hot younger women for pleasure and as status symbols. Now that modern women are becoming more successful and independent, accumulating resources in their own rights, why should they not use their status to indulge the pleasures of the most exquisite male flesh that society has to offer? Why should a young man not take a powerful woman’s name in marriage, work to maintain her household, and remain faithful while allowing her freedom?”
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