Making your Female Led Relationship Agreement

We all make relationship agreements

     You might think this is silly but we all make relationship agreements. Most often these agreements are made in exclusive relationships or a relationship where two people are moving in with each other. The vows couples take in marriage are agreements as well. Most agreements we make in relationships are verbal. Recently we have seen people, particularly men, protecting themselves with a prenuptial. Agreements are only as good as the people who make them and their ability to enforce the non performance clause with remediation. This article addresses level 2-4 FLR. If you have chosen a level 1 or do not desire a FLR you will need a more traditional agreement.

“We haven’t had classes on building harmonious relationships in our schools. In order to establish a truthful intimate and fulfilling relationship between yourself and someone you care about, you must negotiate a mutual gain in the important issues of your life.”

divorce mag

Why don’t more people make relationship agreements?

There is not much solid data but there may be many reasons women and men choose not to make formal relationship agreements. Formalized relationships seem less like falling in love. Most people get into relationships because they become passionate about each other and have chemistry. It seems so complicated. Matters of the heart are hard to govern. Faith-based relationships already have rules don’t they? If he loves me he will naturally do what I want. We as people are most hopeful and often disappointed.

Making an agreement that works for both

     The process of making an agreement begins when both parties tell what they want from their relationship and how they see life direction going for the couple. Assuming you created a strategy for your relationship, you can use elements of your strategy as broad paragraph headers and write how you want to move closer to those ideals. Then take the time to decide who is responsible for what so you can make progress; and how you are going to communicate progress/change/failure. All relationships agreements need a way to deal with non performance.

The Preamble

Title: Relationship Agreement. This agreement is about how we want to proceed as a couple. We ______________ and ________________ (your names) enter into this agreement on ________________________ (date) together. We want this agreement to be the guiding principles for our relationship and reflect our design for the ideal relationship we are working for. This agreement is for a period of __________ (1 day, 1 month, 1 year, 5 years).

Affirm your ideals

     If you have not yet done so take the time to create a list of what make a relationship ideal for each of you and together decide what you would like to include in your agreement. These should be broad ideas. Be sure not to get overly specific.

     We affirm that our ideal relationship includes ____________________________ and does not include _________________________.

Affirm your faith, hope and/or guiding principles including your relationship strategy.

     Faith, hope and guiding principles acts as the moral compass you are using to direct your lives. It might be something directly aimed at your relationship or broader. [Examples: We believe we are better as a couple than we are apart. We believe we are on the earth to make it a better place to live. We believe our mission in life is to promote opportunities for women to lead. We believe we are setting a new social norm.]

     We affirm our ______________ (faith or guiding principles) in that we believe _____________________________________

Make an agreement to review this agreement from time to time and to vow to it

     This will bring you both closer together. All agreements need a way to be reexamined / adjusted and a way to reaffirm that you still believe in them. There is no better way than having a way to affirm, review and make changes.

     We agree to meet as a couple each ______________ (month, quarter, year) to read and make adjustments to this agreement. We further agree that at points of stress _____ (she, he any) may call for a meeting to read and make adjustments. Further, after making changes we agree to verbally affirm our agreement.

Make your declaration of Female Leadership

     We declare and affirm our belief that a female led relationship is right for us. As such we have agreed that the role of the woman in our relationship is ______________ (leader, head, superior*) and the role of the man is __________________ (supportive, follower, servant, inferior**)

*Don’t be afraid of the word “superior” Tt does not affirm that women are superior just that there is a hierarchy of decision-making. **Inferior does not describe a person or gender here but a hierarchal relationship.

Grant and limit responsibility and the authority as you want it

     You will need to choose how to divide the food groups leadership and other areas of life she or he will control or share; and how you intend to protect the non-leader by limiting the decision making power of the leader. Votes and vetoes can be listed her as well.

     We agree that she will lead/control/manage __________________________________________ (list the food group) and he will lead/control/manage _______________________________ (list the food group or enter “not applicable”). They both will share management of ____________________________ (list the food group or enter “not applicable”). She is limited by/to ______________________________________ (or just insert the words “no limits imposed” if there are none). He is limited by/to ______________________________________. They are limited by/to ___________________________________ or otherwise agree to make decisions equally by vote.. If you have vetoes list them here.

Decide how you are going to handle conflict and change

We agree that, should conflict arise, we will first attempt to work it out by conversing together. If needed, we will create a formal document where the conflict is registered and the remediation is written. Should that fail, we are committed to enter into mediation with a mutually agreeable third party (in level 2-4 you may grant the final word to her). Both of us commit to learning from our conflict by making changes to this agreement and our communication in an attempt for less conflict in the future.

Decide what how you are going to handle non performance

     Remediation (remedy) is a solution to the problem most often characterized by a penalty. You will need to spend some time thinking about roles here. Think about corrective action, punishment, and how to terminate this agreement.

     In the event of non performance, we agree to remediation. Remediation include the reading of this agreement where the non performance has occurred, the agreement by both parties that non performance has occurred, and the submission of either or both parties to the consequence of non performance. Further this document may be reviewed and amended upon non performance after the consequence/remediation administered, if called for by the non offending party to call out the non-performance in more detail. Failure to accept complete remediation will make this agreement null and void.

     Non performance remediation for the man is ________________________________________ and may also include ______________________________________ (add an attachment if needed). The remedy will be administered no less than ___________________ (1 minute, 1 hour, 1 day, 1 week) after non-performance has been called and documented. Further, if the non-performance offense is of sufficient weight for the woman to lose confidence in her leadership, she may call for ________________________________________________

     Non-performance remediation for the woman is ________________________________________ and may also include ______________________________________. The remedy will be administered no less than ___________________ (1 minute, 1 hour, 1 day, 1 week) after non performance has been called and documented. Further, if the non performance offense gives sufficient to cause for the man to lose confidence in her leadership she/he may call for ________________________________________________

Decide what how you are going maintain and grow your relationship

     We agree we want to keep our relationship vital by ________________________________________________________________________________ together

Decide what kind of formal rules, rituals and traditions you want

     If you are going to have ceremony and/or formal rules, list them here so if they are broken you can recognize non-performance, show documentation, and seek remediation. Think this over as a starting point to solving your ideal relationship deltas. Some examples ceremonies: Exchanging/giving vows based on this agreement; A ceremony formally celebrating his acknowledgement of her leadership; A surrender ceremony celebrating his release of control; A commencement ceremony to begin FLR. Some rules examples: He will remain humble and teachable; He will cease looking at any kind of porn; He will obey her at all times. Some examples of traditions: As a sign of respect for her leadership, he will defer to her in public situations. As a sign of their FLR, he will always refer to their relationship as Mrs. and Mr. As a sign of his respect for her leadership, he will openly acknowledge her leadership. As a sign of obedience, he will kneel before her on command. Remember, he has a fantasy and you may, too. This is where you can play up to that if you are willing.

     We agree to celebrate these ceremonies as cherished _______________________________________________________ (see attachment for ceremony details). We agree to the following formal rules ____________________________________________________________ (see attachment for ceremony details). We agree to the following traditions _______________________________________ (see attachment for details)

Keeping a vital relationship

     This can include measurable time together/apart, pursuit of hobbies and interests, including/not including friendships and family, workshop, seminars, vacations, showing appreciation, anniversaries, dating and focus time as examples.

     We agree we want to keep our relationship vital by ________________________________________________________________________________ together

If you are committed to level 4 FLR create an escape clause

     We agree to the following escape clause in the event that he cannot perform: 1. A safe word. 2 A safe gesture. One each for pause and stop. His safe word for pause is _______________________, His safe gesture for pause is ______________________. His safe word for stop is ___________________. His safe gesture for stop is ________________________. She maintains the right to proceed if the pause safety is reported when she feels she needs to push boundaries. Any time the stop safety is reported, she will stop, investigate injury, and seek immediate medical attention at his request. If stop is used, and no injury reported this agreement is null and void.