We know from experience that matters of the heart are difficult to impossible to logic our way through so too are drives and desires. These is a reason/motivation though it may be a combination of points and it may be extremely complex and understanding his reasons will help you make a decision to participate, or just fix the problem that is motivating him to want FLR. Yes, some reasons are problems that cannot be indulged because it is bad for him and you. Some problems may end your relationship.
You should be aware he likely feels shame, shyness, awkwardness, and/or incompetent to open up to you about his reasons and may not be unaware of some of them too. He very likely has been thinking about FLR for a long-time; has fantasies; spends secret time masturbating fantasizing about FLR; has experimented with so called “stealth surrender” by pampering you or doing chores; has spent time reading blogs and fanatical web sites on-line; and by now looked at thousands of pornographic images or women dominating and punishing men. This means you need to catch up to where he is at by asking frank questions. Be aware you may not like his answers.
Because of his awkwardness to share about female led relationships he may have a tendency to minimize his activities and feelings. Because of the tendency to minimize, getting to the root is a process of your taking the lead and getting him to open up. This is a real journey with your man, a journey, where ‘for a time’, the women take the lead. We suggest you disarm him by setting the mood for discovery and that you fortifying yourself inside, preparing both of you for a level of vulnerability you may never have experienced. Go as far as you want but be aware of the pitfalls of knowing his secrets. You might be disgusted, put off, alarmed, resentful, jealous, hurt, feel inadequate, or dislike him. Mates committed to each other overcome and get through it together.
Common reasons and motivations expressed by men – Why Men Want FLR
- depressed – Depression can be serious and may need medical treatment, get a medical test to see if his depression is clinical/medical and not just moodiness, sadness or solemnest.
- desires surrender to trusted mate – This can be a cry for intimacy where he feels a need to be connected by becoming vulnerable; your man could feel he needs a vacation from leadership; your man could feel a desire to become a slave (abandoned decision making); it could be an innocent expression of love; or an effort to indulge a fantasy.
- desires to be an ideal mate – Your man could have a sense of failure as a mate, a real desire to please, feel a need to change or want to save your relationship.
- desires vulnerability – many men feel disconnected and look to vulnerability to solve that; it could be erotic and dangerous.
- experienced FLR before and liked it – perhaps he has come from a bossy mom home where punishment happened until he left home; it might have been in another relationship or was just experimentation.
- failed to establish his own leadership – a sense of failure about being a good or effective leader
- fear of failure – take away his decision making power creates a safe environment
- feels a sense of guilt from not participating in chores – this is likely a secondary reason in concert with other deeper motives.
- feels a sense of personal weakness – wants to feel validated that he is doing something you want, wants to please you.
- feels a sense of shame from ED (erectile dysfunction) – many man have this especially after looking at porn for years.
- feels disconnected – this is a real problem for men who tend to keep women at a safe distance, an effort to find connection and intimacy.
- feels it is his place – some men are naturally submissive or servile, this may be an effort to indulge a fantasy
- loneliness – lack of connections and wanting vulnerability point to loneliness
- looks like fun – if it is just for fun, what use is it except as recreational sex.
- my wife deserves to lead – this may be an innocent expression of confidence in you or an effort to appease you to indulge a fantasy
- my wife is better at leadership – could be a feeling of failure or an acknowledgement of his confidence in you, it is not a motivation but a recognition.
- needs a distraction/vacation from some pressure in life – this is often true of men and women who have high-powered lives and seek distraction.
- needs external motivation/wants to be forced to change – laziness, lots of men need motivation to lose weight, keep in shape, serve their families, these men will likely masturbate daily as well and lose interest in sex with their wife because masturbation is easier than pleasing his mate.
- obsession with one or more idea or kink – obsessions are the driver with a kink, such as goddess worship, cuckolding, slavery, BSDM, and extreme punishment.
- sense of unworthiness – this can be pitiful or part of his character, some men grew up with this sense and have not shaken it.
- senses you are dissatisfied with him – wanting to please, pay penitence, fix your opinion of him, show he is a good partner
- tired of pushing or leading – same as needs a break from himself, he may be frustrated with your follower-ship or cannot find any way to lead you.
- tired of struggling with decisions – same as needs a break or a vacation from himself, might be frustrated with your follower ship.
- wants greater intimacy/wants more focused time from you – like vulnerability, connection and loneliness intimacy does not come easy to men, being naked, sexual perks “just for you”, serving you and being commanded all focus attention on you and being together
- wants to save the relationship – don’t panic, it is just time to go to work
- wants to try something new – other things have not worked, so let’s explore this, likely connected to getting kinks satisfied.
Dear Admin: Is there a category where I can share my story of being Female Led? I don’t think it’s right to leave a big long comment below a blog entry. Personally I don’t know why more men aren’t entering into this, and it would be interesting to read other women, and men’s experiences who have.
I’m thirty two, doing all the housework, all my income is directly deposited into a ‘joint’ account that I can’t access, and my wife basically leads me around my the nose figuratively, and neither of us ever wants this to end. I would love to write a blog post in detail for the world to read. This is a fantastic lifestyle more men, and women need to experience. I don’t understand why there aren’t more supportive comments under your blog entries.
Hi, if you’d like write a post to share your story of your FLR I’d be happy to publish it here on AboutFLR.com.
I think the reason why there aren’t many “supportive comments,” is because this site’s pretty new.
I would love to hear your story, if you would care to share it.
I think that the point list left out the obvious: some men are just “wired” for FLR. It takes a certain kinda man to do things. I do agree with Edward, you wonder why it’s not taken up more? Since there are more women in leadership roles these days. But as the article said, it is complicated the whole concept. 🙂
At first his list was hard for me to read as I am a man in a 30 year marriage that we now realize has a label. FLR. It was hard to read because so many of the things on the list were negatively oriented. But my wife and I looked at the list and she had me honestly write down which applied to me. I found six she added two more. Out of the eight, the word failure appeared four times, pitiful once and weakness once. So, I guess the list makes sense after all. Our 30 year journey has been good for us. I know it has been good for me. My life was chaotic before her, and she has helped me so much in all aspects of my life. My goal since she reined me in has always been to please her, protect her and promote her. I admit I saw that phrase on another FLR website but we both love it. I apologize for this long post.
Stealth surrender. Great moniker for the stealth submissive male. Went there before we had many long talks. Life is good now.
For me at least, the reason is it just feels natural. For some men, serving a woman is just normal. This was mostly a list of inadequacies. I don’t think it’s about that.
My wife always wanted FLR. I resisted her for many years. I have always had submissive fantasies that involve sex but for her the FLR is about being the boss of our marriage and having a husband who obeys her. We merged the two. I obey her and gave her control of the household and finances in exchange for kink (mostly tease and long term denial). The sex changed. She does not give me oral sex and I must ask permission to give her oral sex. She made it clear I would never be allowed to penetrate her again and that did happen. We are both more happy now than ever before in our marriage. Our FLR keeps getting stronger as time goes by – 3 years now.
I said in my previous post that my wife always wanted an FLR since the begiinning of our marriage. Neither of us even knew what FLR was. After reading this website I realize we have evolved into a level 3. I do have to let her know where I am at all times. She does control the finances. She decides the direction we are going as a couple. I am required to do all the household chores. I introduced kinky sex things to her that I like and she likes a few of them. She has embraced tease and denial. I am lucky if I get 1 orgasm a month. She enjoys spanking me. She has done things like paint my toenails red with her sister watching (they giggle). Things fell into place once I made the decision to be her submissive husband and obey her. I tell her often that I am her submissive husband and she is my queen. I don’t feel like her slave. I feel like a devoted husband who wants to please his wife everyday. I am sure being horny all the time helps with that. I read somewhere that a teased and denied husband is an obeidient husband. That is very true in my case. It makes the FLR exciting for me.
Just revisiting this. Still think this article misses the mark. My reasons for wanting an FLR are I’m in my comfort zone. I enjoy pleasing her. And, I get turned on by it.
I’m glad that some people (@zero, @yardbird, @greg…) brought this up. The first time I read this article, I too noticed that many of the reasons mentioned in this list appear to be “negative” or insignificant. I was wondering as well why to not give more importance to reasons such as “it feels natural / normal / comfort zone” or “I like / it excites me to serve her”? It may seem so obvious …
However, re-reading leads me to think that it could be simply because of the target audience (?). It seems to be couples made up of an enlightened woman with a man who “resists” for different reasons … but, as we know, couples can also be constituted of a consenting man with a woman not (yet ) empowered … or, of course, formed of a woman enlightened and a willing man! 😊
So I guess the reasons for a man can be very different depending on a couple’s dynamic (as it depends on each individual personality and life experience, and also the social/cultural context).
Thank you for your comment MlleSadie.
This article makes it look like men seek FLRs because there is something wrong with them. Repeating themes are depression, failure, disconnected, bossy mom, guilt, weakness, shame, indulge a fantasy, loneliness, laziness, obsession with kink, unworthiness, pay penitence, frustrated, struggling…
Basically, the article is a laundry list about hangups men have that make them desperate to serve women.
Now let me tell you the truth.
Firstly, he’s probably not a broken man. He’s more likely a competent, resourceful, creative, reasonably attractive and successful person.
He probably has found vanilla relationships to be unfulfilling and has come to the conclusion that a female-led relationship would be much more exciting and stimulating.
How am I doing so far guys? Am I right?
I believe there are four reasons men want to submit to women in an FLR.
1. They are obviously sexually aroused by doing it. An FLR can be a very sensual experience and it turns men on.
2. They may have a people-pleaser personality and get great satisfaction out of serving, obeying, and pleasing a woman. They will go to great lengths to bring a smile to her face.
3. They may be dominant in their professional life, making decisions all day long. Having a woman in charge of their life outside of their career gives them relief and balance.
4. They may crave what I call the “submissive tingle.” When a submissive man serving a woman, his whole body may experiences a pleasant tingling. This is completely separate from any sexual arousal he may experience. I believe the tingle is caused by our brains releasing endorphins. This is rarely discussed, but a lot of men have it.
Anyway, I think my reasons/motivations are much more accurate than what this article portrays.
@zero
Indeed, the portrait that you present seems to me more faithful to my own experience of submissive men (competent, resourceful, creative, attractive, successful … and more!) and to their motivation to be so (arousal; intrinsic satisfaction in serving, obeying and pleasing; relief and balance; etc.).
If you want to learn more about the last point that you mention as “rarely discussed”, I recommend you to read these interesting two articles on “subspace” and submissive’s chemistry:
https://mashable.com/article/bdsm-mindful-sex-meditation-spirituality/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-compass-pleasure/201503/the-neurobiology-bdsm-sexual-practice
Thank you for the links Ma’am. What I’m suggesting is that submissive men experience a pleasant and persistent tingling feeling just from the act of serving a woman – no pain required. I believe this is different from the chemicals the body produces in response to pain that create the well-documented subspace. Many men have confirmed to me that they have this enjoyable tingle.
Thank you, zero, for your explanation on the «submissive tingle». Very interesting.
It seems effectively totally different from what is exposed in the second article (more related to pain)… But could it be related to the «mindfulness» in some ways (as evocated in the first one)?
I will certainly «investigate» around me about that! 😊
The “submissive tingle” is what I enjoy. Just being asked to do something (no matter how small or trivial) in public brings it on for me. Just this action of Her being in control gives me the “submissive tingle”.
@zero and @Shysub: you both seem to be able to easily associate this sensation (the pleasant “submissive tingle”) with certain precise situations … However, since this sensation does not result from a physical stimulus (such as pain or touch), it seems reasonable to think that it arises from an emotional one (which causes a physiological / hormonal reaction that triggers the tingling)… I would therefore be interested in better understanding what emotion is, ultimately, the source of this sensation.
In order to enlighten and empower women on this subject, can you say if it is a specific emotion that cause this? If so, what feeling you associate with this pleasant sensation? Is it a pleasant or unpleasant emotion? Such as vulnerability? Desire? Humiliation? Loss of control? Satisfaction? etc.
Thanks for your input!
There is a certain satisfaction in taking a request or an order for something that I believe will be pleasing to her. The thought of being dominated is a very strong emotion for me, and even a sense of fear to displease her (real or imagined consequences) can be a thrill of its own kind. Basically, when she asks me or tells me to do something, and I accept that desire at face value and do it, I feel as though I’m making progress towards the relationship I’d like to have on a higher level. My advice to MlleSadie is to be bold. Be confident. Ask for what you want, and monitor the reactions. A confident woman is a hard thing to say no to.
Thank you Maid Stephanie. I agree: this is a very good advice (…and don’t worry, I am totally aware of it 😉)!
Mlle Sadie; the “submissive tingle” for me is a pleasurable warm feeling I get when doing something for my Mistress. Just the command initiates this feeling. The only analogy I can think of is the joy a dog shows when it returns a thrown ball back to its master.
@Shysub: Thanks for answering. I like the dog/master analogy…
I would like to say that i am drawn to FLR because i don’t fit in as an alpha male and women notice this.I haven’t bumped into any strong women who notice my demeanor and haven’t been approached.Guys like me and the rest want a grilfriend and or wife down the road.Intamacy/friendship/love and romance, is that too much to ask for? We are just a different group of men who are strong in different ways and have value and good character.
Messed my comment up.I am “Not” an alpha male and my comment was to say i do not fit in with the rest of the alpha men.I guess i am a beta male or something to that toon.I am not weak nor a doormat.I bring alot to the table but i want the attraction just as she would want.I do not want just any woman.
The comments on this post are the most useful to me. Please, keep them coming.
I have a burgeoning curiosity about myself… whether an FLR is really what my unacknowledged preferences are.
I agree that this article’s points seem mostly negative, which began to turn my stomach… I’m not interested in leading a man as a replacement for him seeking some much needed therapy. But if both of us get nourished and come alive with him wanting nothing more than to please me, and me wanting to give him the gift of receiving his efforts (as well as feel honored by his efforts), and appreciating him so deeply for both his desires and his efforts… THAT is motivating!
An FLR should happen naturally because both parties want it. If the man’s failure is a driving cause of submission, then he might leave for a different situation where he can lead. That desire won’t go away easily.
As a man in FLR, I know my amiable nature helps my wife, whilst I work and she relaxes, and that brings me joy and “submissive tingle”
For me it is the deep in my soul the need to serve, please and obey a woman. My focus will allways be to make sure She is aware of Her possibilities in the relation. If She really can rest assured of my loyalty, She will relax and perform better in Her life, which is not a bad thing – or? 🙂 The urge has been in me since
adulthood, but at that time it was considered a psychiatric disease. I can’t speek for others, and of course we are all different in our needs.
Women are simply better at relationships. Therefore they should lead the relationship. I have good levels of expertise on matters outside the home but I would like to feel the home is a place of sanctuary where I can let my guard down completely, relax, and just do whatever she says with loving obedience. And besides, strict is sexy.
I can identify with several items on the list. So much to learn.
Some very interesting reasons have been presented.
For me personally I felt that I was becoming increasingly disrespectful to the women in my life. My spouse, mother in law and my mother. This disrespect lead to the end of my marriage and then purely by luck I met a business woman who was very successful as well as a Type A personality.
As things became for serious she asked why my marriage ended and also she noted my attitude around other women. She informed me that if I wished the relationship to continue that it would be an FLR. She directed me to some websites, books and explained her expectations to me.
I now handle the old tradional female roles around the home and have given up all my freedom. More importantly she has taught me to be respectful around all women and especailly have impectible old school manners. It’s the bestthing that has ever happened to me
It just feels like a natural and exciting thing that I want to do.
My decision was based on a mental, emotional, and spiritual one. Surrendering to all of it and submitting to the real person that I am and not living a lie to myself, and not pretending that I wasn’t submissive was the greatest relationship choice I’ve ever made 2 failed relationships (not of my own doing). Finding a woman that cares so much and loves me so much was a blessing in life. I’ve submitted and declared in a vow of surrendering promise she Queen of my life. I’ve never ever been this deeply in love in my life. She took me from a man full of rage and a condensing attitude towards women to a contrite humbled full of meekness. She has disciplined me so much that I’ve corrected my tone of communication. Having my filthy Ego spanked and spanked hard after a year long reflecting on myself and a full night of emotional breakdown I’ve truly changed. I even love myself more because instead of full of anger, I’m full of humility. I don’t even care if some men think that I’ve sold out and become a Sissy of sorts. I’ll gladly take that Sissy label throw me a whole store of panties I’ll gladly wear them. Embracing the Feminine alongside of the Masculine to achieve that needed balanced is a great thing that has happened. Masculinity and Femininity (no Delusional Trans) in one package is amazing. Gaining those good behavioral attributes of the Feminine and ridding myself of the bad behavioral attributes of the Masculine is now my continual goal. I’m glad I have my Queen to take my hand and help me with that and walk with me on that journey. Before She came into my life I was headed in a dark direction in my life. Submission is indeed a beautiful thing and is so full of such beauty that once you embrace it all you become that same beauty and become a beautiful person that’s more attractive. Acceptance and embracing your true self is the beginning of a whole new life full of true love.
I’ve enjoyed many of these posts and I want to thank you for giving a name, “stealth surrender”, to my latest approach to a better marriage. We’ve had what I thought was a pretty equal relationship, but then I started reading posts here and at a few other FLR sites and realized I’ve been more selfish than I thought. My wife wouldn’t do full control (there’s history), and I lack the temperament of full surrender, so FLR won’t work for us. Still, I’ve found that since implementing the concept of pampering and taking on more chores, she’s been in a better mood and the relationship has generally improved. There has been no intimate sex for over 15 years, so that food group is completely off the table, but we have been touching more, and it’s been a more playful touching than in many years. Overall, I guess I would recommend at least looking at FLR from non-fantasy Web sites for any guy looking to find a little something to add spice to a relationship.
Yes or No; Up or Down; In or Out; Day or Night; Submissive or Dominate and so on. It is my experience that there are tendencies that vary depending on so many elements in our lives that it is difficult to carve in stone what we are during our lives. Change is the only constant.
Circumstances
In my life journey there were times when circumstances called for me to be dominate, assertive, and focused. It was required to accomplish what I believed needed to be done/achieved.
Individuals
There have been individuals that I knew instinctively that could or would dominate me. Those ladies brought me immeasurable pleasure and unforgettable pain.
Surrender
Now in my life’s journey I have an unquenchable thirst to be submissive and bring pleasure to someone stronger in her self. I have found it to be extremely difficult,
Thoughts
I would appreciate your thoughts, ideas, help FLR thank you
Why? WHY do (some) males desire ownership within the FLR paradigm? “Different strokes for different folks” is, I suspect, the only realistic conclusion to be arrived at? There are men, and unwitting dommes, for whom the ENTIRE construct is nothing more than a MALE oriented sexual fantasy, wherein the domme is unwittingly placed in a role & position of doing the MAN’S bidding, in deferring to the enactment of HIS satisfied desires. There are other, FAR more genuinely authentic and credible situations, where the domme seizes the power for HERSELF, and the male is either house-broken or makes a break for it. Other scenarios too suggest themselves- of males SO captivated by the inherent, integral divinity of the superior sex, and soooo tired of, and unequal to the task of BEING that “strong, independent, provider and decision maker”, and so committed to the sacrifice of not merely the churlish, sullen, boorish “male” ego, but of their WHOLE independence, ego, and even their very conception OF “self”, that they are willing to become a COMPLETELY “blank-slate”, dedicated to the installation of his Mistress’s rule, for his very psyche to be indelibly, inextricably, irreversibly imprinted with the will & authority of his Goddess, to become the mere possession of Her, dehumanized, stripped of EVERY facet of not merely his “masculinity”, but of his very individuality. Likely, also, we have others who crave not merely the imposition of the Lady’s clear, unambiguous authority in the otherwise loving FLR relationship, but who, for whatever motive of formative, traumatic, pathological early programming- seek the wholly dehumanized, masochistic & utterly, utterly broken & humiliated position: the kept in a cage in a closet under the stairs, when not “in use”, the pegged, beaten, cigarette-burnt, sissified/feminized, publicly ridiculed footstool of the unadulterated 24/7, full-on SLAVE, who yearns for the destruction of self gained through drowning himself in the cruelty, and sadistic excesses of his slave-Mistress. Perhaps we might also consider that there are incremental degrees of involvement in, and commitment TO each of the above categories listed. To go full circle, and arrive back at the first suggestion of the mere “male fantasy”, I suspect that there may be a great number of “sub” males who, with the sudden depletion of testosterone following sexual release, will immediately revert to their pre-existing “alpha-male”, boorish, masculine buffooneries, thus proving themselves wholly unfitted by mental configuration and constitution for anything remotely approaching the TRUE, genuine, authentic, organic evolution of the FLR experience. Yet, for me, the woman IS unquestionably the avatar of a higher order of being than the lowly male, closer, by FAR, to the status of divinity than the animalistic, physicality driven consciousness and impulse-led will of the typical male, and what a sad, ultimately pointless endeavour my wasted life will have been if I am NEVER afforded the opportunity to render my committed service to some (at the moment) hypothetical Goddess out there, waiting to claim & command my adoration and devotion! My EVERY thought & instinct joyfully bonded to Her indomitable will, my every stuttering sentence a hymn of worship, and of praise!